I am a rule follower. When the program or any other thing says "do this" or "don't do that" I take it so literally and seem to miss the point. Now that isn't to say that I don't break the rules on occasion, and in the case of taking other people's inventory I have fallen short. I have pointed fingers, blamed, shifted blame - all that fun stuff - and when I am doing that I am doing the thing that the rule was made for. Own my own stuff and let others own their own stuff. Be responsible for my behavior and let them be responsible for theirs. Suffer my consequences and let them suffer theirs.
But I am also learning that there are times you need to not take the rules so literally. In the case of taking someone's inventory there are judgements I need to make about other people to protect myself. I am taking their inventory and judging them, but as my protector, that is my job.
It seems my path of self discovery started in the program by learning about my past and using that information to learn why I exhibit certain behaviors that harm myself or others. I shut people out as a survival mechanism to keep from getting hurt as I have been hurt so much. I do not share my feelings, thoughts, or opinions for fear of being judged or abandoned. And so on. This has been a very helpful exercise and allowed me to change a lot of these things about myself. Change doesn't mean fixed, gone, or overcome - it means improved, which is all I can ask for. Continual improvement.
Now where I seem to have migrated is to the big picture of who I am. There is so much information available to us out there about our personality types and the process of putting down on paper who I am has been so enlightening. It gives me permission to take care of myself. I am an introvert and I recharge my batteries from time alone. People screaming at me because I am not available to them and not respecting the time I need to myself is no longer going to be tolerated or make me feel bad. I found out today I am very much an empath. Negative talk and actions have a big impact on me. I no longer have to allow that in my life. None of these things will ever completely go away, but this gives me more control to hold my boundaries and take time outs when I want and I no longer have to feel guilty about it. This list of things I have found is pretty long and very empowering.
I have found some wonderful things about myself that will help me manage how I move forward in life. What this also led to was looking at the cycle of relationships in my life, good and bad. I look at the ones where I feel safe and loved and what traits those people have. Then the ones that aren't so good and what those people offer or don't offer. Down to the toxic, insane relationships. I think this is a very valuable lesson. I am taking their inventory and identifying what works for me and what doesn't. What is funny is how well it coincides with the list I am finding out about myself. My ex husband and I had a wonderful relationship. We split because I got all wound up in his ex-wife's drug problems, child custody etc ... but our relationship between the two of us was wonderful, I felt safe and loved. He was gentle, positive, never yelled at me, called me bad names - nor did I do any of these things in return. He respected my private time and supported and encouraged my interests. The main thing I recall that warms my heart was how gentle he was. If we swing the pendulum to the other side, the relationships that have incessant negativity, yelling, name calling, purposefully hurting each other ... I just can't tolerate it. It eats away at my core. Jeeeez. Writing that doesn't seem that illogical. Who wants that life? But, many people have that life and choose that life. When we swing the pendulum to it's extreme in the toxic relationships we are talking a parasitic lifestyle full of manipulation, infidelity, abuse and lies. I just can't do it.
The thing for me is that I CAN NOT live that life. I am physically and emotionally incapable of it. I think after a period of time you would find me hanging from the rafters because it truly eats away at my core and I become incapable of functioning. I need peace. I can't even watch people on TV who fight, yell, lie, cheat ... I cover my eyes. They can run around shooting each other, but give me a scene where someone is cheating and the spouse is approaching the bedroom door. I leave the room. Literally.
This big long rant, which I didn't expect, was purely to say that I feel that I had to learn about myself first. Absolutely. I am glad I started small, individual behaviors. Then as the picture widened I went from changing harmful behaviors to love and acceptance for myself. Then to look at others and see so clearly why they work so well for me or why they don't ... is just amazing. So now, when I meet people, I am not "on guard" but I am extremely open, listening, and watching. I am willing to find out who they are instead of being hooked by whatever it is I need at the moment. And taking time to learn about what works in my life helps me know what to keep in my life or avoid during that process. It doesn't feel so much like "luck" anymore. I am in charge. The more I know the more successful I will be.
This is really fun. Prior to recovery self-help, self-love, self-discovery ... all the stuff just seemed like foo foo mumbo jumbo. A waste of time. I am finding it to be one of the most rewarding things I have ever done. I am more at peace, everything good is BETTER, everyday counts, every breath counts, every person is more beautiful and more human. Five years ago if I knew I would be saying stuff like that I would have thought I lost my mind.
Very cool stuff.
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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
Thanks for posting this Willling. I have found since being in recovery that the image I had of the person I thought I was wasn't accurate at all. I have generally seen myself as someone empathetic, but actually, I've learned in my coda recovery that I find empathy in certain situations very difficult. I also thought that I would probably need to be making amends all over the place to pretty much everyone I'd ever met, but when it came to working the steps, I found that the person I needed to make ameds to most was myself. My knowledge and understanding of myself was actually very limited beofre I came into recovery and my knowledge and understanding of how to have healthy relationships was too, mainly becuase I had such an unhealthy, non-loving relationship with myself. Now, I feel that the most important relationship in my life is the one I have with myself, and before I can have any kind of a loving fulfilling relationship with anyone else, I need to have that with myself.
Working the steps in Coda and al-anon has been a process of learning who I am and how to be me. I thought i would find someone awful, someone I would hate, but actually that hasn't been the case. I've found someone who needs lots of compassion, who didn't get what they needed at different points in their life and who needs to be loved and supported now. Working my recovery is proving to be about learning how to be my own best friend so that I can be that for other people.
I struggle with it a lot, but it's kind of an adventure getting to know who I really am. I'm beginning to understand that if you like yourself and enjoy spending time with the person you are then you can never be lonely.
