Hi, I am fascinated by the Recovery Patterns of codependence. I am amazed at how many of them describe my own behaviors. John (founder of MIP) has requested more activity on this CoDA board. For my contribution, every few days, I will post a different pattern of codependency. I encourage everyone to share on each topic. Sharing will help us all. Thanks.
Awareness: Recovery Patterns of Codependence (Denial)
The CoDA patterns are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation.As we recover from codependency, our thoughts and actions may change.
Feel free to share how your awareness of the patterns is helping you as you recover from codependency.
Codependents often...
Perceive themselves as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.
In Recovery…
Know the difference between caring and caretaking. Recognize that caretaking others is often motivated by a need to benefit myself.
I'm sure this defines my life. Doing things for others without regard to my needs are almost what defines me. I feel like a mean person if i don't do the things that my friends and family have come to expect of me. Some are typical motherly things like cooking, cleaning, shopping, checking homework, calling friends. But some are above and beyond. Like changing my plans and dropping everything to meet someone else's deadline. For that one, I've seen a quote somewhere (not CoDA) that tends to keep me focused it's "Lack of planning on your part does not consitute an emergency on my part". Sayings like that are nice in theory and they look good on paper, yet I am easily persuaded to do last minute tasks for people; even when I know I'm being manipulated, and even when I thought I told them I wouldn't come through. Now that I realize it is a big contributor to my codependency; I realize that I must try harder to keep other people on their own tasks or giving me ample notice when they need help from me.
I'm grateful for this awareness. I'm grateful to have CoDA.
-- Edited by nice4ever on Monday 17th of October 2011 05:17:45 PM
This one is a tricky one and I find myself checking my motives constantly when giving to others. Am I feeding my need to be the victim, the martyr, or better than the other person? Am I reaching out to help so I get recognition from those in my recovery circle? Am I giving gifts with strings, not truly giving but expecting to keep score?
The program of recovery gave me the ability to say "no", something I did not have before. I am no longer willing to sacrifice myself and twist myself into knots because of someone else's needs or problems, especially if they caused them themselves. I clearly define whether this is something they SHOULD be doing for themselves for many reasons... their own self esteem, their own consequences, their own lessons, their own standing in life.
Once I get past the checkpoint of "ok, I am not enabling" then I need to look at my motives. It might be a very good thing to help someone else in the big picture ... but why am I doing it? It is feeding my ego? Am I feeling better than this other person? Do I truly empathise with them and feel that this is a honest "good deed"? Am I doing it to honestly make them smile, or make their load easier because they carry a lot? I am a firm believer in "many hands make like work", but if I am doing something for someone else to feed my ego ... it generally tends to turn out poorly.
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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
I really did used to think of myself as so very unselfish. I wasn’t justifying, I truly believed I was dedicating my everything to the well-being of the other people in my life. That the things I was trying to force were for their own good and that one day they would thank me for it. It wasn’t until my world fell apart that I was forced to see the truth. I felt so sorry for myself that I was completely incapable of seeing anyone’s problems but my own. I had spent so much time “saving” other people; and I became very angry that when I needed it, no one seemed to want to save me. I’m still adjusting to this new found truth; my entire life, from a very young child, that’s how I thought things worked. The concept of every one being responsible for themselves was so foreign at first. I’m getting more and more used to it, but it still feels a little weird and scary, but it also feels very liberating. I’m not responsible for these crazy-out-of-control people, and they aren’t responsible for me. That seemed so lonely at first, but now it gives me hope. I am not the worlds greatest fixer, but I am pretty good at solving certain problems and making calculated changes, ESPECIALLY WHEN THE PERSON I’M TRYING TO CHANGE IS MY RESPONSIBILITY..... myself :).
I’m learning balance. The best example I have is my relationship with my sister. I started out being the big sister that fixed everything for her. I never empathized with her, I just started spouting off possible solutions, or even butted in and manipulated things for her. Once I even broke up with her boyfriend for her, I called him up and threatened him physically to stay away from her. Then, when I lost my relationship to AH#3, I kinda had a nervous breakdown of sorts. I moved back to the state I grew up in, and to my lil sis’s basement. I was so unhappy, and didn’t know how to fix it all. My little sis is married to a dry, but not in recovery alcoholic. My living in the basement with my 2 large doggies was causing tremendous strain on an already damaged marriage. I didn’t see it at the time though. I was so consumed with my own problems that I couldn’t see anyone else’s. She tried to help me, not save me; and instead of being grateful I was resentful. I love her very much, I just couldn’t see the big picture. Actually, I didn’t realize the depth of my wrong to her until I started my “short” (whoops) response to this post. I’m slowly working my steps, I’m only on step 2 right now, but I think I just found the first person besides myself that needs to go on my amends list. For now though, I take a great deal of comfort in the fact that I am becoming a good big sister. One that isn’t going to be so overwhelmed by my own problems that I refuse to recognize that she has problems too, AND one that won’t rob her of the pride and accomplishment that comes from solving her own problems.
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Recovery does not mean that I have to become a different person. It means I need to start being myself again.
I have spent my life thinking I was unselfish and was giving to others to simply give, but I wasn't. It was about control. I did things for others and gave to them to control how they perceived me, how they would react to me and to "make" them like me and think highly of me.
I was addicted to this behaviour because my self-image and self-esteem were based in another person's perception of me. How could I stop controlling them if stopping that meant they would see the real me and reject me? I was a total workaholic as I felt I couldnt stop giving to other people, because if I did they would stop liking me, and if they stopped liking me for what i did there would be no other reason to like me, because who I was was nowhere near good enough to like as far as I was concerned. It was a miserable way to live. I actually felt completely trapped and saw myself as victimised by other people's neediness of me, when I had created the situation myself in order to control people's viewpoints of me.
I saw myself as someone who gave, gave, gave and who wasn't appreciated enough, but I chose to do what I was doing because I believed I couldn't live with the rejection if I stopped giving and people stopped loving me as a result.
The irony of the situation is that people didn't love me for what i thought I was doing for them. They loved me for who I was and found what I was doing controlling and annoying. They actually disliked my attempts to "give" to them. I was actually creating the situation I feared the most and was driving people away by my incessant "giving" which was actually manipulation and attempts to control. What I was doing was manipulative and controlling, not giving.
Now I have to weigh up very carefully my motives around why i am doing something for someone else. If I am doing it because i am trying to control their viewpoint of me and I'm coming from a fearful and manipulative place, I say no to myself and stop. I also say no when people ask for help if I'm not able to do it, or feel resentment around doing it. It's ok for me to say no with love.
I find now that i am able to say yes and mean it from a place of love when I offer to help someone or if someone asks me for some help. I am not trying to control them, or feeling resentment at being asked.
It's hard sometimes for me to understand my motives and working the steps has helped me understand more about where I'm coming from: Fear or love. I'm not there yet, but I'm not where I was.
