Hi, I am fascinated by the Recovery Patterns of codependence. I am amazed at how many of them describe my own behaviors. For my contribution to this forum, every few days, I will post a different pattern of codependency. I encourage everyone to share on each topic. Sharing will help us all. Thanks.
Awareness: Recovery Patterns of Codependence (Control Pattern)
The CoDA patterns are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. As we recover from codependency, our thoughts and actions may change.
Feel free to share how your awareness of the patterns is helping you as you recover from codependency.
Codependents often...
Become resentful when others decline their help or reject their advice.
In Recovery…
are content to see others take care of themselves.
I never understood why someone would be too proud to accept help. I am always in there, offering to help. Sometimes, I admit that I might have been overpowering at my insistence to help, but my concern is genuine. "Many hands make the load lighter". I still have trouble understanding why others decline help.
I do realize that when working with children, it is important to teach them life skills, and allow them to struggle with handling them for a while. It really does a child no good if we don't teach them how to cook, clean and balance the check book. I often pass my kids over though because it is easier to just do things myself. I have to remind myself that the ultimate goal is to raise my child into a competent adult. Competent adults need to know how to cook & clean. My kid (he's a teen) cleans pretty well; and I have set aside every Wed night as his night to cook dinner. I stand ready to help and observe safety; but he does the meal on Wed. If he gives me a shopping list Monday; he can plan the menu too; when no list I plan the menu. Tuesday is my shopping day. As he does more of the meal without my input; there is a genuine boost to his ego. He's proud to provide for the family on an adult level. [Note on menu: When we started, he had to plan the menu; but I found myself nagging him for a list, then stressing when I didn't get it and sometimes holding off shopping until Wed. Now, I don't worry about it; if he doesn't like what we eat; he can plan better next week; and I don't stress about it]
I can honestly say that CoDA has helped me be more comfortable interacting with others. I'll offer my help. If they want help, they say yes. If they don't want help, they say no; I tell them to ask if they change their mind. End of discussion, I don't offer again. Sometimes if safety is involved; I'll step in. I am more aware of where my world ends and their world begins (hula hoops, my side of the street etc.).
-- Edited by nice4ever on Monday 31st of October 2011 07:52:15 AM
-- Edited by nice4ever on Monday 31st of October 2011 07:54:10 AM
I now know that when I am looking to fix other peoples situations I am doing damage in two ways
First I hurt the people Im trying to fix, because I am giving solutions without feeling the consequences of my advice. By stepping in and trying to supprt and problem solve I am stealing their right to sort it out for themselves. I can tell people of my own experience, strength and hope, but if I jump in and catch other people before their situation gets difficult, then I am preventing them from feeling the effects of their lessons. I am trying to be their higher power and stopping them calling for higher Powers help.
Secondly I am hiding from the consequences of my own life by filling my head with other peoples situations. The more I do for others the less time and energy I have to look at who I really am. I don't like myself so I shy away from who I am. Instead of getting to know my negatives and positives and looking at ways to balance my own life, I ignore my own need to change and focus on the clear changes I can see in others.....
I think when other people refuse my help I feel they don't like ME When someone says.....no I don't think that will work for me, my head is saying...they don't think I'm clever enough, or experienced enough
I'm not enough!!!!!
I find it very difficult to get my head round the fact that their decision has nothing to do with me, but a healthy reaction to finding their own solutions.
The fact that I don't feel liked or enough is a situation I HAVE to fix, clarify or sort out But that is REALLY hard and painful
I don't want to.....it hurts I want to look at someone elses stuff.....it makes me feel good. It builds my self esteem and my ego........ But its a false 'feel good factor'
Its a false self, while my real self is sitting crouching in the dark, abandoned and ignored.
I can't be of real use to anyone while I'm hiding from my real self......
