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Miracles In Progress Codependents Anonymous Group -> Miracles In Progress Codependents Anonymous Group -> Indirect Communication (Avoidance Pattern)
Post Info TOPIC: Indirect Communication (Avoidance Pattern)
nice4ever


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Indirect Communication (Avoidance Pattern)
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 Hi, I am fascinated by the Recovery Patterns of codependence.  I am amazed at how many of them describe my own behaviors.  For my contribution to this forum, every few days, I will post a different pattern of codependency.  I encourage everyone to share on each topic.  Sharing will help us all.  Thanks.

 

 

Awareness: Recovery Patterns of Codependence  (Avoidance Pattern)  

           

The CoDA patterns are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation.  As we recover from codependency, our thoughts and actions may change.

Feel free to share how your awareness of the patterns is helping you as you recover from codependency.

 

 

Codependents often...

Use indirect or evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation.

 

In Recovery…

 use direct and straightforward communication to resolve conflicts and deal appropriately with confrontations.



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nice4ever


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My share: Indirect communication.

Yes, I can think of many times when I have used indircet communication. When I have allowed others to think their behavior is OK. I don't like to fight, so I'll let people do as they wish rather than invoke my right to have some things as I wish.

Some real examples.

A friend can't commit to a time & date to get together for lunch. I save a date, then let her keep changing the date, then go to lunch on a moments notice. This is very convenient for my friend but does not respect my time as important; I don't say anything about my feelings. She does not have to choose between spending time with me and other commitments that might pop up (some not so suddenly).

My hubby needs something typed and mailed or emailed. He doesn't give me the supporting documents until mere hours before it is due. I'm letting hubby know that "Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part" This one is harder to enforce because many of these tasks impact the household (of which I am a part). Not getting things submitted on time costs us money. So I usually do them quickly anyway because nothing bothers me more than losing money. So I am like a barking dog without a bite on this scenario but it's stealing my serenity.

Another point on which I have no power is when I ask the family to do their chores - trash, laundry, vacuum, what ever. I hear "I'll do it in a little while". I'm generally agreeable and just say -"OK, please don't forget". I think you all know how this story ends.

Most of these are little things; but I'm realizing that one plus one plus one equals a bunch, and erodes at my self esteem and my power as well as my future ability to help myself. As I'm working my 4th step, I'm realizing that people everywhere expect good ole nice to rush in at the nth hour and save the day. I'm good at it and they've come to expect it. I feel as if I'm letting them down if I don't rush to the rescue (even if I had previously announced I would not rescue). Most of the time, I don't let anyone know it was inconvenient to rush in - I say "OH that's fine, I'm so glad that I could help." I am glad that I could help, I just usually wish that I had more time to plan it out. I need to speak up so others know my needs.

"Say what I mean; mean what I say; but don't say it mean."

Thanks for listening.

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odaat


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Indirect communication

yes i've had to use this a lot over the years in order to survive. If I came out and said what I wanted or needed directly it always lead to trouble.

I avoided confrontation because it has always been my job to keep the peace. My father would shout and tantrum at the drop of a hat....and the only way to deal with it was to either hide or placate.

My husband was a manipulator and to survive I ended up manipulating.

My children needed solutions to problems....I was good at that....

Now that my father is gone, my husband is sober, and my kids have grown up I don't need this skill anymore.
And yet I find my head forcing solutions and scheming to find a way through the maze that allows me to somehow come out on top.

My head is constantly running on over drive.....and I am looking for situations to organise.

I say yes when I can't manage what I already have going on....but I don't want to be seen as someone who can't or won't.
I don't want to appear selfish or not to be liked....

But I end up not coping and my self esteem drops.... each one of what ever I take on I can do....but collectively I end up not doing any of it well.

In order to self care I have to pace....step back and accept my limitation.

By not communicating clearly and directly I am denying myself the chance to self care......

odaat





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tracy


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This is a good one for me today.

One of my closest friends is getting married.  In the past I attached myself codependently to this friend when her long tern relationship ended because her partner was unfaithfully.  I did all the co dependent stuff recusing my life revolved around her.  Fast for five years my marriage endes when my husband gambles she is now in a very stable relationship and does not offer same support.  i have learnt in recovery that i chose to rescue her and she owes me nothing.  now she is getting married i have just split up with my alcoholic, i am moving home, i have just started a new job, i am a single mum to 2 teenagers trying to make my life manageable.  i did not run around organising the whole hen do etc and did get a little to drunk on the hen do.  she is upset and has sent me a message to say she no longer wants me to be her witness at the wedding.  i have done a step 4 i have rung to apologise for getting to drunk but as for not being interested it is just i am trying to focus on my stuff.  I intend to be direct , yet I have also thought through the consequences.  I do not want thi relationship to end on a bad note.  But I am recovering and Its not I dont care its just I am trying to sort my own life.  I have let pothers go because they were no good in my life and I understand people do not like me changing but true friends will be around once i have recovered I just need to be honest and true to myself then what ever decision they make is their choice.  Hugs tracy xxxxx



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FrankJScott


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