It's time for me to tackle the next shadow in my life, Trust.
I wasn't sure if I had trust issues or not, I thought I was actually trusting person, I seemed to rush in a heartbeat into relationships and into trusting people with more or less everything in my life. Obviously like any Al-anon & co-dependent, rushed into trusting the wrong people, possibly at the wrong time, potentially in the wrong way. Looking back I seemed to lose all my common sense.
Very recently I stared trust in the face and realised I have an issue with it. And I asked myself why.
One reason for it would be obviously lack of stability in my family due to my dad's drinking. And I stepped away from it, it stopped affecting me directly in a good while.
And I kept digging for more reasons,,, one of them was that my friends turned their backs on me when things got really rough in my life,,,but I realised it was me pushing them away, due to shame. My trust isues weren't about them.
Then what are they about? On a longer drive I had a chance to ask myself more questions: I don't "trust that what?" What don't I trust that will happen "if I do what?". Thoughts got hazy, couldn't put my finger on what the answers were. They unravelled a bit during the drive but I'm sure I still need to dig a bit deeper.
"if I do what?" what do I need to do/how do I need to behave to lose my trust or inner peace?
If I acknowledge that my feelings matter my mum would feel guilty-as say it
If I laugh, love, ignore my father's behaviour as a child and just enjoy his presence- my mum would feel and say that I'm being stupid
If I look after myself as oppose to being a martyr, looking after everyone, putting everyone else before me, be a "good" girl- my mum would feel and say that I didn't learn "moral values"
If I say no to people my mum would say yes to- my mum would feel and act like I'm not learning moral values
Hmm, there seems to be a pattern there doesnt it. I still have a few lurking in my heart, they're just too fuzzy to put into words.
And "don't trust that what?",,,,I don't trust that I would feel loved by my mum. Loved equaled praises when I was as she wanted me to. And her usual passive aggressiveness, silence when we didnt. It's almost like I was conditionally loved: I'm only loving you if you're what I want you to be. Or her version of "good"
So no, now I don't trust men that they will love me warts and all. I don't trust that they genuinely want me and not some old ex in their life
My heart feels like a heavy rock :(
But soon i'll have those issues cleared as always :)
Trust is so many things. It can scare us horribly. It can be a comfort. We can give it away to people who don't deserve it or not give it to people who do, mostly ourselves.
I am slowly starting to shed light on how to trust, at least the way that works for me. I trust things are going to be what they are. I have no control over the outcome, only my part in it. I trust people are going to be who they are and if I observe long enough, really see them, they will show me who they are. I have learned to stop trusting the fantasy, promises, stories, and hopes that someone will change. I trust the truth, their actions.
The biggest thing for me is learning to trust myself. Learning to listen to the little voice inside that tells me when things are right or wrong. I find when I fight that, when I trust people or myself when I shouldn't, things go wrong and I get hurt. Then I build those walls back up, don't trust, push everyone away when I had a hand in getting hurt in the first place. What is the statement ... if you lie with dogs you get fleas. If I trust and love someone untrustworthy, give them my hopes and dreams, and then get hurt .... who's fault is that? It is like standing above the shark tank "I'll just jump in, they won't bite me." hmmmmmmm
I am a true believer in "Trust is earned, not given". It is up to me, as my protector, to watch people I let into my life and see if they are trustworthy. Period. If I skip that step, if believe stories and don't wait to see if they have anything to back it up, then I will probably end up hurt because I didn't take time to see who they really are. I am learning to trust the process. Girl friends, guy friends, potential partners ... doesn't matter who. It all seems to lead me to a completely different relationship.
I still have a lot of work to do, but I am learning to just slow down, take a breath, I am not going to change or "get it" overnight. But just being aware and observing myself and those in my life, taking a breath before I do anything, and listening to and trusting myself have really helped me.
Thanks for the wonderful share, Funny Face.
-- Edited by willing on Sunday 15th of January 2012 08:59:18 AM
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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
My thoughts are definitely getting clearer and clearer, I don't trust I'll be loved if I ask for what I want, if I dont try to be who the others want me to be. If I rock the boat in any way.
I was having a conversation with someone today and I was asked- "what do you want from that rekindling with that old mate of yours?"
And I thought ??????? My mind went blank
And I realised I never set boundaries as I never have any clue what I want, my mind gets very foggy. And I never get my needs met as I dont set boundaries, I dont ask or expect to have my needs met. Then I end up in victim mode and lose trust again.
So,,,,what do I want from this, that and the other?????
Enjoying my healing and growth already :) Funnyface
