Today I went to pick up my daughter she is 15 years old and she told me that she did not want to go with me. Her mother was smiling as this was going on. My daughter was crying. Mom and I have not been together for 10 years. It hurt me soooo much to hear my daughter say this. She is not doing well in school and I know this and she knows that I will take her phone away and ground her when she comes and stay with me. I played it off infront of the mom. But as I sit here writting this I'm crying and feel very deppresed. I started drinking and feel really hurt. I don't now what to do. i never hurt so much in my life. I'm listening to yeah yeah yeah Maps and I'm feeling worse!!!
-- Edited by Sad One on Saturday 11th of February 2012 12:00:53 AM
I am so sorry you are hurting. As a parent I understand the pain that we suffer at the hands of our children. I have not experienced this with my daughter, but as a child of a split home I remember all to well the effects that war between two parents can have. (not saying you are participating)
I remember how extremely painful it was when my mother tried to turn me against my father. The fact that your daughter was crying is evidence she is suffering. I have many parents, step parents, adoptive parents, biological parents ... strange situation but I have a lot of experience being a child (lol in many more ways than one). The parents that have my respect the most are the ones that were consistent, loved me no matter what, did not play with my emotions for their own benefit. I know I made some decisions as a child to not rock the boat which probably hurt other parents (hello CoDA), these are decisions no child should be forced to make. As a child how do you chose between two parents? I am assuming from your note that her mother pushed her to this and how do you say no to this as a child ... to your MOTHER? (making assumptions based on her mother's smiling while her daughter was suffering)
Many times I have had to walk away from my daughter, go in my room and have a good cry, and come back out with my consistent "mom" face on. It is part of the sacrifice of being a parent. It stinks ... but then again it doesn't. To love like that is a gift. To sacrifice like that is an honor. We walk through it, take care of ourselves around it, and realize that this too shall pass. As a parent, regardless of my suffering, my first goal was the long-term effects my behavior has on my daughter. The fact that I am always there for her, strong, never leaving, and always putting her first (not so much now, she is an adult) teaches her she can trust. My discipline teaches her boundaries. She may not like it at the time, but I can't tell you how many times she has looked at friends, with PRIDE believe it or not, and said "My mom would kill me if I did that." (not literally of course). Children thrive with boundaries and discipline administered with love. They may not like it at the time, but believe me, they will thank you for it later.
It hurts and I am sorry. It will pass and soon you will be together again, all forgotten, and loving each other. Then you blink your eyes and they are an adult. The days you thought would never end as you slave away being a parent are gone in an instant and you wish you could get them back. (My daughter is 19).
Be grateful for the pain. It means you are blessed with someone wonderful in your life who hurt you without intending to.
@Lori4nn
We are glad you are here. This board is somewhat new and slow to get off the ground. The more people who participate the better. I am glad you are here to help us do that.
-- Edited by willing on Saturday 11th of February 2012 07:45:38 AM
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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
I relate to the feelings. I am the mum and primary carer... but my children had come to expect me as being the heavy parent, and two of my children want to live with their dad. This has been a painful time for me as well. After wanting to "force" the children to change their mind etc I realised that I had to dive into recover literature and learn. My child who is a 14 yr old girl is the main child who wants to move with her father. After a few days I realised that this age is pretty hard for any kid. I do not have alot of time in recovery but I am glad you posted. Thinking of you
I'm so sorry. I really don't know the coda thing to do when it comes to children- I guess just be consistent and available for her and send loving reminder cards from Hallmark? I don't understand this board- so many people read the posts- yet no one comments. Are you able to get to a live meeting or do a phone meeting? My prayers are with you.
Welcome to MIP, Sad One. I understand your feelings & can empathise. Not as a parent but a teenager when spending time with my Dad disturbed my Mum. I told him I didn't want to stay in touch as it hurt my Mum (I can't remember if I actually said that much) I remember that something inside me died as I said it. I felt terrible. It didn't last. I got back in touch with him after some time & we've been close ever since. I'm 34 now. I'm sharing this to offer hope that your relationship with your daughter is perhaps stronger than you think. Stay true to your integrity as a parent. I'm sure your daughter can know how much you love her even in discipline. Keep coming back & let us know how it goes. There's always someone here, lilmzx.
Keep showing your daughter you love her, listen and hear what she is saying. She will grow out of it. A child never stops loving there daddy's! Despite what Mom's say or do or feel. This too shall pass, plus I think being a teenager is difficult all in itself! Stay with her, be sensible tactful and considerate not servile or scraping. As Gods people we stand on our own two feet we don't crawl before anyone 12 steps the promises just before the 9th step. If you have any recovery from substance abuse drinking isn't going to solve the problem!! Its actually a bad example for you to show your teen not only does she win over hurting you she sees coping with a drink will solve the problem (not in the bigger picture) High in sight. PLUS, if she really DIDNT want to go with you and smiley Mom was in the background daughter was putting on a show, for all the world to see. If your a caring Dad, you will find the tools and resources to over come this pain and get up and stand true to who you are. That woman you had a child with, perhaps at one point there was love between the two of you to produce this child. So now that your separated what ever the situation is, remember, and know that you helped create your wonderful teen and lucky to have her a part of your life even if she's kicking and screaming now. Let her throw her fits it will help her understand herself as a adult beteer. Hope that gives you something to work with. Sounds like your a good parent! Don't let the teen put you in her place. Show her that you care.
