Welcome to MIP, Lisa & well done on 5 years in NA. Have you been able to sustain clean time working a program all this time? I got into a relationship 18mths into my recovery. I had a good working program & so did he who was relatively new around with 8mths at the time but we were full steam ahead until a thorough spiritual awakening, separate sponsors & full maintenance & growth program. I tried to do the whole dating sensibly thing but we became very close very quickly though didn't live together for the first 2 years which steadied things some. We've been together 5yrs in April & we're so happy. This is because recovery & God come first so everything else falls into place & we're both as loving to each other as the other is. It does take two fully participating & committed to love, trust & fidelity. I joined CoDA 2yrs into my sobriety which has helped to support me healthily no end too. Good luck with all of yours. Keep connecting close & plugged in :) Lv lilmzx

My response to this is if you really want to take care of yourself & see this person casually then stick to your guns. My partner had feeligs for me as soon as we met & was obvious about his interest making exclamations of "Wow, it's you!", staring at me in meetings & then grinning when I caught his eye. He was very friendly but not in a pursuing way if you know what I mean. It was almost innocent the way he would be so warm to me but be getting on with his recovery at the same time which we both were being early in & not a program to rub between us if you'll forgive the expression.

I was flattered & I thought he was sweet, mad & amazing all at once but our focus was absolutely to get well & so when all was said & done, his fuss was loving but secondary so he'd make his overtures, I'd bat him off & we'd get on with the business of meetings & recovery. We went on like this for 6 months. I didn't take his feelings too seriously as maybe a typical crush or a joke & I wasn't sure if I liked him like that I just wanted to stay single for as long as possible having never done so for more than 3 months at any time.

I managed 18 months before I fell in love with him & made my approach. He was 9mths by this point & almost through a complete cycle of the steps & all of his amends. He had an incredibly strong program & I was well experienced in mine. It still felt like an early time to be getting involved though I guess I couldn't help it by then. We'd had 6 months platonic fellowship & eventually I realised he was the real deal & my soul mated with him. Besides our massive love for each other I felt guilty for a few years having still got with him quite early in. How could I be sure we hadn't just fell in codependently with each other? We've stood the test of time & compatability I guess but I know I had to work harder on my program when we did get together.

Something else I would say that could be useful to you is that part of his appeal for me was that his care was unconditional. It didn't matter that I didn't express reciprocation for his feelings. He just kept on loving me regardless & seemed to simply enjoy his feelings for me for himself, that it didn't matter I didn't return his attentions or ingratiate him in any way. He didn't press the issue, respected my boundaries & certainly didn't make any assumptions to me or anyone else about my designs to him. If this person's for real you mustn't let any fear of loss deter you from your recovery goals. If he's genuine he can respect your respect for what you really want. I gained peace of mind from the time I spent on my own.

By the way, on the other side of the coin a member expressed an interest in me when I was 6mths sober & gave me his number. I shredded it as thinking about him was messing with my head (obsessions!) A while later I saw he'd become involved with someone else, she became pregnant, he abandoned her & still has no contact with their child. I shiver when I think that could have been me. The lesson I took from that was to give time time & see how someone behaves in the long run. That sounds negative in some ways but if I can learn from someone else's experience without ending up in that situation myself, bonus :D

Make of all that what you will. I wish you well, fully acknowledge how much CoDA has helped me & I look forward to witnessing your journey. Lv & Sistership lilmzx