I love reading old post on this site. It helps me to reflect on my own life. I had to laugh at myself as I identified how I felt and where I had been, in this codependency life I had been living.
With-in a few hours of my relationship break-up with my ex-GF. I started trying to figure out what was wrong with my ex-GF. lol
Had she lost her mind? I mean, I provide her everything she wanted with-in my means. She paid me a measly 200 dollars for rent. (I own my home). She paid her own cell phone bill, her 100 dollars for child support for 3 kids living with their dad out of state. She paid for car insurance for a beater car I helped her get. And she paid for cigarettes as she smoked about 1-1/2 pack a day. I don’t smoke or drink.
Everything else I covered the cost for. So when this break-up played out as it had. I was confused. She became quick friends with a guy who had spent 8 years in prison for sex with a child and was still listed as a registered child molester. My ex-GF, with my help, was weeks away from getting her 3 kids back. Her daughter was about 10 years of age and the two boys were 12 and 15.
Thankfully the out of state judge was informed of her new living conditions and new boyfriend. (she claimed he was just a friend) the judge decided that the kids would stay put in the state they were.
Anyway, I started to search for answers on the internet trying to figure out why a person would leave a relationship that most people would be very happy to have. It’s not like I beat her or anything. She was able to go where ever she wanted. I had fronted her money for her to travel to visit her kids, in the years we were together.
I found out later she met this new guy, at her girlfriend’s house when she visited. My ex-GF would just say, I going over to Mary’s house to visit. And unknown to me Bob would be there. Mary was mad at me, because I didn’t visit with her. I was tired of all the drama. So I believe Mary played a part in this relationship break-up. Setting up the meeting of my ex, and Bob.
So as I started trying to figure out why my ex-GF would leave me. I found a term
Borderline personality disorder. It seemed to fit perfectly how my ex-GF just jumped from one relationship to another without seeming to care. I was torn up over the break-up.
Finally after a few weeks of reading everything I could. I came across this word “codependent”.
Ouch. It fit me perfectly. The more I read, the more I fit into the behaviors patterns. So that started me on this path I’m on today. Learning I don’t need anyone in my life to validate me. I don’t need anyone to rescue or to play a victim to. I can make decision for myself and deal with the consequence if any, as they come. If I make a wrong choice, it’s a chance for me to learn for the future.
So I laugh at how I was looking at someone else, (my ex-GF) as being the cause of my pain. Thinking if I fix the ex-GF, then that would solve my problems. lol
The focus has to be with-in me. Period.
I now look back and thank GOD that I survived that sad point in my life. It’s not easy going forward, but, that’s the only way out. I can now see how I played the part of the rescuer in the relationship. And I never want to do that again.
Hope my fellow co-dependence, fine some strength and hope from this post. Don’t give up.
When I was at my bottom I was plying myself with alcohol so I went to AA. I stayed sober for a year, worked the steps, did all my service etc. Then I realized I wasn't an alcoholic (my family had been saying that the whole time) but it was my ex bf who was the problem! So I spent some number of years in Al-Anon complaining about him and learning all I could about sociopaths, narcissists, bpd etc. But I was still pointing 1 finger out at the supposed problem while the rest of my fingers were pointing back at me (the REAL problem).
Before I even walked through the doors of AA I read Codependent No More. I hadn't even heard the word before, but that book FLOORED me. It was like she wrote it specifically for me! Then I learned that we codependents are basically a perfect match for sociopaths, narcissists etc. They feed off of us and we willingly let them. We THINK that if they love us we will be whole.
So then I found CoDA and the root of my problem. Me. That in itself sounds Codependent, me taking the blame ... but the only way I am going to change my life is to change myself. No one else is going to save me and fixing others is not going to fill that massive void that exists in the pit of my stomach everyday.
Working the steps, learning to love, respect and accept myself for who I am filled that void. Learning good relationship and communication skills has improved my existing relationships and helped me drop unhealthy ones so I don't have to live in the world of drama and grief anymore.
When I started I had no idea this life was possible. Truly. It is a completely different way of thinking and living and I love it. Going through the steps, continually working on myself and continuing to read and learn about human behaviors ... it was a gradual process. At first it feels so huge and overwhelming, but it is truly one day at a time. It can be 2 steps forward and one step back. But I found as long as I made ME a priority and continued to improve myself, however quickly or slowly, the change happened and continues to happen. There is never a day I don't acknowledge and express extreme gratitude that I have found peace. And that is a key ingredient to BEING at peace. Gratitude.
So glad you are here Fap123.
Willing
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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
