So I've got a conundrum in regards to not enabling but also protecting myself.
I find myself going out with my alcoholic less and less because I don't enjoy myself. However, when we do, if he drinks more than 2 drinks, I want to drive us home for my own safety. We argue over this, but I win out. I refuse to put myself in danger as a result of his irresponsibility, but he is also learning that I can be counted on to drive therefore he isn't responsible for the consequences of drinking.
Without giving it much thought, how about telling him he is driving to and from the event period. If he drinks, you take a taxi or call a friend for a safe ride home.
This makes him responsible for his actions without you supporting his drinking. He will also face the consequences if he get pulled over or crashes the car.
How does he make it home if he goes out without you? Is he working on his drinking problem?
Thanks for that, that's a good way to go about things :) Taxi's are def an option so I'll keep that in mind next time. No, he's not actively working on his drinking issue, however he has cut back a moderate amount over the years. Still, he's not good at knowing when to say when during parties or outings.
Oh and he very rarely goes out without me, but the last time he did he claims he drank 4 drinks when he got to the party, then ate, then 3 hours later drove home. I can't say whether he was good to drive or not but at least it forces him to think about these things...I guess.
I stayed in my relationship because I believe in the idea of working out problems, and the marriage vows of until death do you part. Even if not married, such as a long term commitment and mix in a kid or two. I would want to work on the relationship for some time to get someone I loved a chance to improve. If they were making efforts, as I would be getting my own help to deal with the emotional turmoil I would be dealing with. If it came to a time of leaving, I would be emotionally and financially prepared. I can run away from the person, but the emotional problems will be with me until I deal with them myself. So unless I’m in immediate danger I would stay until I gave a fair amount of time to help the person get to a stable recovery. JMO
"I can run away from the person, but the emotional problems will be with me until I deal with them myself."
Well put, and I agree completely. I'm in the middle of reading "Co-dep. No More" and am thrilled with how helpful the book is. I plan of reading it a second time and going through the activities thoroughly :) I also am seeing a therapist for my issues, so I try not to focus on my partner so much. I just want to be sure I'm not enabling him in anyway I can avoid. Thanks again for your reply!
I just looked back through the book. Chapter four page 41 thru 54. I remember back when I first started out in Coda. I marked off the characteristic listed in that book that I felt like I suffered with. Unfortunately I could see me in everyone of them.
I look buck now and wonder why and how did I put up with that type of treatment for so long and not be able to see it years before.
Thanks for the post MollyOwl127, It helped remind me where I was and the progress I've made. Way cool!
My suggestion, take turns! Each gets to be the DD. I have found that just approaching the subject nicely, possibly without saying ANYTHING about his drinking habits, but out of fairness and partnership.
As someone who drove drunk in the car with her KID I take this seriously (and so does my daughter as she KNEW I was drunk). I got into AA and worked things out and know where they are if I need them again ...
But while there I heard some heartbreaking stories from people who killed others while driving under the influence.
I support your stance on not being driven around by someone who has been drinking 100%.
Willing
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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
