I need to get this is out of my head as my sponsor is unable to talk.
A few years ago we rented a house out to a lady who was trying to make a new start after leaving her abusive husband. Everything was fine up until just before Christmas. We went to check on the place and there were a few broken windows. She blamed the children, but my husband heard it was her ex trying to get in. There were promises she'ld fix them which never happened of course. After this she started spending more time away in another town whilst still paying rent. In the end she decided to move there. When we went over to the house it's in a hell of a state. I told her we'll be over to start taking things of the property as the rent hasn't been for around a month. When we were there her ex came over and started abusing us for taking his belongings. It was terrible. Thank God I had been to al-anon so I knew what to do. First I put all the kids safely in the car and told them to stay there. Next I called my husband away from him before everyone exploded. My husband doesn't take kindly to be talked to like that. Thirdly I put her child and friend to work inside the house getting the gear out. When the ex left, we left before he came back. He never even lived there. God it was terrible. I know he's an alcoholic and he is very unstable.
Tomorrow we're going back over again to tidy the place up properly. My husband called the police and they said if he shows up we're to leave and call them. They'll come and move him on. They know him quite well. The police are around 45 mins away or more. Anything can happen.
I guess it's all starting to hit me now. As I'm in Overeaters Anon I'm surprised I'm not going for the food. Actually it's the other way my tummy feels quite upset with it all. I'll have to make sure I have something otherwise I could sink further. My feelings are pretty low as well as I feel a bit nervous about it all. It's like having butterflies.
Sorry this is long. I thought it would help me feel better if I put words to it all. Last time we'll help someone like this again. We ended up being used and abused by them all.
Most people focus on the abusive spouse (usually the husband/boyfriend) and don't take into consideration that the abused is typically just as sick and dysfunctional, as they are attracted to them and qet sicker by beinq with them. As John Bradshaw says "Chess players don't hanq out with hockey players". qood thinq that no one qot hurt. Sad thinq is that even if she stays away from that one, she'll find another one if she doesn't qet into recovery.
you might still be in a state of shock, so as you start feeling things that bother you, remember to turn all of it over to your HP, the good and the bad so you aren't reliving it and carrying it around with you. helping others sometimes puts us in hard situations, learning from it is our job. i am glad you were able to keep your head and put safety first. take care, hon.
It's been a bit of an odd day . We went over nice and early as I thought he'ld be to hungover to threaten us again. Just as we were finishing up the house he turned up with more people than last time. By now most of the gear was at the local tip. He did look and act very hung over which was good. So he left. We finished up and came home. After a while my husband received a call from the police asking what we had done with the stuff. This man had gone home and called them on us. The next thing we had them here interviewing us and now we can't tidy up anywherelse now until it gets sorted out. It is sounding like it is in our favour thank god. They are very well known to the police. I guess the best thing is that no one was hurt. Maybe my prayers were heard after all.
Upsetting but it seems as if you "did everything right" yet are still in a place to use this as a learning experience
My father had his...stuff, but he was pretty smart about some things, 2 things he taught me stuck with me
1. This sounds like a cheap lesson
When I used to go to him with drama, some "near miss" he'd always say "well this sounds like a cheap lesson" I'd say yeah but "yeah but look at what happened, look at what COULD have happened" and he'd point out the bad thing DIDN'T happen and I learned what to look for in the future so I wouldn't put myself in this position to begin with...made sense, and once my emotions calmed down I realized he was right, there was a lesson to take away from all this, some way for me to not place myself in such a precarious position again, that if I looked back far enough I always made a decision based on self that placed me in a position to be hurt, that if I went back far enough, there was always a point in time I knew better but went forward anyway
2. Trust everyone (to follow their own nature) then you will never be surprised
He would tell a story about how he was on the roof when he was 5 and his father held out his arms and said "jump" and when he did his father stepped aside and let him hit the ground then he said "never trust anyone" and walked away, as he lay their crying he realized his father was wrong, always trust everyone....to follow their own nature, and his father was a plick
He would tell me watch the people in my life, if they stole from others one day it would be my turn, if they lied to others or were untrustworthy, don't be surprised when it was my turn, and one thing I learned is "they always give you the information", when we meet people they tell us about themselves or their actions do, such as hearing this woman had an unstable alcoholic in her life that broke the windows in her house and she never fixed them
there are all the clues I would need, and I suspect I wouldn't make that mistake again
seems heartless but seems like a cheap lesson, now I wouldn't say that to everyone, especially in the first throes of emotional upset, but it's what I would say to a sponsee or a close friend, or even myself, also if I view it as a lesson it now has value, it's not just traumatic or dramatic event to hold to my chest to suffer needlessly, it changes the flavor, instead of waa waaa look what happened to me I can think of it as "look what I learned", and that shift helps me process it
I had good sponsorship, so whenever I went to them with stuff like this they pounded into me "what was your part?", "what was the decision based on self that placed you in position to be hurt?" and "what did you learn?"
I can take other peoples inventory until the cows come home and never learn a thing, what I try to focus on is my inventory so I don't let people like this in my life to hurt me, to catch this stuff earlier so I don't HAVE to learn a painful lesson
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
My Mother made the mistake of lettinq a couple of people "that needed a place to qo" in similar and different situations (one was seriously mentally disturbed) move into a rental house. It always ended badly. I too have made consessions for those that I should have known better, at work and pickinq room mates (before and after sobriety) and 9/10 times I wished that I hadn't. I learned the hard that the statement "No qood deed qoes unpunished" is qenerally true. And I hear it everytime, now, when I qet a briqht idea about "helpinq" people. I try hard to limit that "help" to advise about how they can help themselves, or where to qo, and only when asked.
. We went over nice and early as I thought he'ld be to hungover to threaten us again. Just as we were finishing up the house he turned up with more people than last time. By now most of the gear was at the local tip. He did look and act very hung over which was good. So he left. We finished up and came home. After a while my husband received a call from the police asking what we had done with the stuff. This man had gone home and called them on us. The next thing we had them here interviewing us and now we can't tidy up anywherelse now until it gets sorted out. It is sounding like it is in our favour thank god. They are very well known to the police. I guess the best thing is that no one was hurt. Maybe my prayers were heard after all.