Now I'm back looking desperately for some serenity. For now I just have to stick to the first step: I find I am powerless over others, my life has become unmanageable.
james
-- Edited by JamesToo on Friday 20th of May 2011 07:59:21 PM
Please, pull up a chair, make yourself at home, read up on some posts, check the book studies and step studies and then let rip, tell us about yourself and what brings you here, sounds like you had some recovery then drifted away and hurt yourself, I can relate having done the same thing myself the last few years
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
Hi James, I've found this board to be a friendly, healthy, and very supportive place to share my experiences and difficulties, and wanted to say "Welcome". Freya
...sounds like you had some recovery then drifted away and hurt yourself.
No truer words and right off the bat too.
I first got into CoDA during the early 90's when it was all the craze. I worked the steps, went to meetings, got into counseling to get in touch with the roots of my codependency, and did my family of origin work. I was practically a poster boy for CoDA.
But I continued to be a workaholic. I was very successful at my work directing a nonprofit organization. I did such a great job that I was asked to take over another large--but struggling--organization three years ago. A true codependent, I enthusiastic accepted the offer and I plunged myself into my work. And I lost myself. I neglected my CoDa work, I stopped going to counseling, and was super stressed.
What does a codependent do when stressed and near burnout? I looked to others to fill my needs. The only problem was that the people I turned to were themselves incapable of feeling their feelings, unavailable to me completely.
One of these people was a "friend" who became my project. I went to work to "help" him help me. If I can get him to get in touch with his feelings, he can become a willing ally in the codependency front. Every recovering Codie knows that that's an impossible job. But I was not in recovery. The more I tried the harder he clamped down the harder I tried some more and he was in lockdown. The Codie Dance! Thankfully, this dance is now on the last song. But I am battered and bruised. Burnt out as ever. Lost to myself, hurting inside, feeling so empty and alone as my childhood issues of abandonment and abuse come bubbling up. I forgot how insidious this disease is!
So I'm back at the First Step. "I am powerless over others, my life has become unmanageable." I have to relearn to surrender my will to God, to ask Him take my defects of character, to turn my life over to Him so He can bring me back to sanity. A long journey yet.
Thank you Tracy, Freya, and LinBaba for the warm welcome.
I glad I'm here. I need to be here.
-- Edited by JamesToo2 on Saturday 28th of May 2011 12:39:03 AM
Wonderful share. I'm excited about you being here, James. May you keep coming back & sharing your miraculous recovery with us. Never alone again, lilmzx
