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Miracles In Progress Codependents Anonymous Group -> Miracles In Progress Codependents Anonymous Group -> Hi! New here! Got a question about codependency.
Post Info TOPIC: Hi! New here! Got a question about codependency.
kimmy1975


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Hi! New here! Got a question about codependency.
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Hi!  My name is Kimmy.  I found this board kind of by accident.  I am a member of the MIP alanon board, although I rarely post there anymore, but I read there daily.  Anyway, I clicked on the wrong button while reading there and it brought me to the MIP home page, and I noticed that there is a CoDA board.  

My question is, what exactly is codependency?  

The reason I question is this.  I have been with my husband for 9 years, married for 5 years this August.  Throughout the course of our relationship, I have heard him tell me several times that I am codependent on him, and he wants me to be an independent person.  The times he has said this to me was during an argument, so I just kind of blew off his statement about myself.  After dealing with his four month long relapse with alcohol last year, I found MIP alanon board, the rooms of alanon, and a wonderful individual counselor.  Even though I was scared to death about my husband's drinking (he was sober when I met him and never drank until his relapse last year), I was committed to working on myself, and felt really good about myself.  Since he stopped drinking, life got busy with the kids, several illnesses were running through the house since it was winter time at this point, I stopped going to alanon.  At first it didn't seem to be an issue that I stopped going.  I still felt good about myself for several weeks.  Even though my husband had issues with me going to alanon in the very beginning because he was in denial that he had a problem with alcohol, he eventually got used to me going, and when he noticed that I stopped, he questioned why I stopped, and told me that when I had been going he noticed a difference in me that he really liked.  Even though I haven't gone back to the rooms of alanon, I do still see my counselor every now and again when I feel the need for professional help.  

Recently, during an argument with my husband, he mentioned the codependency thing with me again, and when I accidently clicked the wrong link on the alanon board this morning, and saw that this board existed, I thought I would come here and find out what this codependency thing is all about and see if my husband right about me being codependent.  

 

Kimmy



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LinBaba


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Welcome, recognizing codependency in myself actually took quite a bit of work, reading Melody Beatty's "Codependent No More" and Pia Melody's "Facing Love Addiction" help me get specific, reading things like this http://www.12stepforums.net/coda.html and this http://coda.activeboard.com/t41474747/what-is-codependency/  and http://coda.activeboard.com/t41485576/codependent-or-relationship-addiction/ 

Awareness, Acceptance, and Action were the keys for me, do the work to find out what is wrong with me (awareness), realize I have this thing (Acceptance), and then take the action to put this stuff either in remission or behind me (action)

For me my light bulb moment was reading codependent no more -at- my girlfriend to see what was wrong with her, and read "if you are reading this book for yourself you might be a codie, if you are reading this book for someone else you are definately a codependent

So anyway, welcome, we do recovery work here, pull up a chair and set awhile, there is a TON of useful information here if you look around



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‎ it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
JamesToo2


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Hi Kimmy,

Welcome. May you find a place to belong here .

This checklist maybe helpful to you: http://shalomplace.com/res/codepcheck.html I go through it every so often especially when I need to be reminded that I am a codependent.

james.



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Lisa


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Dear Kimmy,

Codependendency is a word that, I believe, is overused nowadays. When your husband tells you that you're codependent, it is probably his way to deflect his problems back onto you. I think the major question to ask yourself is whether or not your thoughts are constantly on him and his problems. If your answer is "yes" then it's time to refocus your attention on yourself. More than anything, that is what I define codependency as -- being overly pre-occupied by another person.

I completely understand what you're going through. After nearly two decades of living with an addicted husband, I managed to lose myself. My self-esteem was at an all time low, and I didn't believe I could be happy if my husband wasn't clean.

Once I hit my own low, I turned my focus inward, and discovered that my happiness was never dependent on him. The most amazing thing is that, after I started focuses on my own goals and happiness, my husband finally accepted treatment. He has now been clean for close to six years, and we are enjoying a healthy marriage.

I share my story and the steps I took in my book, "Soaring Above Co-Addiction: Helping your loved one get clean, while creating the life of your dreams". I wish you well -- and if you need a sounding board I'm here. You can reach me through my website http://www.soaringabovecoaddiction.com



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Lisa Espich Author of the multi-award winning book, "Soaring above Co-Addiction" http://www.soaringabovecoaddiction.com
kimmy1975


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Sorry it has taken me so long to come back to this thread.  

Lisa ~ Your definition of codependency hit me like a ton of bricks.  The answer to my original question about what codependency is was not only answered, but also my question of whether or not I am codependent was answered too.  And the answer is yes, I am codependent.  I am totally preoccupied by him.  I find myself thinking "If DH would do......then I would be happy" or "If DH would stop doing.....then I would be happy", or "If I do.....will DH be upset with me", and so on and so on.  

It seems to me though, as much as he claims to be an independent person, that he is pretty preoccupied with me too.  I've noticed recently more and more that anything I do anymore, he has something to say about it, and it's usually negative, but he claims he is "just trying to help".  He gets upset if I don't get to all my weekend chores, but when I do, then he points out what I could've done better.  If I spend more time cleaning (he is a clean freak) to keep him off my back about how bad of a housekeeper I am, then he gripes that I don't spend enough time with the kids and him.  If I spend the amount of time he would like for me to with him and the kids, then he gripes about me not keeping the house clean enough.  He tells me that he would like for me to have friends outside of the family, but anytime I talk to a friend on the phone, he likes to make it next to impossible to talk to my friend because he tries to distract me by making jokes or saying stuff to me about what he overhears me saying to my friend.  If I text my friends, then he tells me I text too much.  If I chat with them on facebook, then I am on facebook too much.  If I want time to myself to play a game on the computer, then I am on the computer too much.  As much as I try to do things that make me happy and that I enjoy doing, he has something negative to say about it, and that gets me back to putting my focus on him and thinking about what he will think if I do whatever it is that I want to do, but yet, he claims he wants me to be an independent person.  There just seems to be this imbalance in my life.  If I do whatever pleases me, then he isn't pleased with me.  If I try to please him, I typically fall short, and he is still unpleased with me, and I am unpleased with myself.  I need to find that balance, but I don't know how, and I feel like I am in a no win situation.  I want to be happy, and I want him to be happy too.  I can't seem to please either of us though.  

Sorry for the length of this post and the vent.

Kimmy



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thunder peach


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Is the book being offered a world office approved piece of literature?



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LinBaba


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thunder peach wrote:

Is the book being offered a world office approved piece of literature?

 No, nor does it need to be here, the 12 step MIP forums are like a bulletin board outside the meeting where we can discuss our experience strength and hope, or where to get a good meal, we can discuss on topic and offtopic things here, as well as read or recomend any reading we have found helpful, this is more like the meeting after the meeting, or the meeting before the meeting, but the forum is not a meeting, nor an "official" Coda Site, just someplace we set aside to address the solution to codependency where the focus is on our codependency

In most cases, but not all "approved" literature means "published by" and just because something isn't "approved" doesn't mean it's "disapproved", it just means it is published by someone else, we honor the singleness of purpose but we don't disregard something helpful  to us just because it wasn't published By CODA, this issue has been addressed repeatedly on MIP's various 12 step forums, and this is the solution and explanation ultimately given by John, who owns and operates the site



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Melusine


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Kimmy,

I agree that codependency is often an over-used word. For myself it refers to the harmful patterns I learned in my family of origin about relating to others that shows up in my dysfunctional relationships.Often these relationships are with addicts - but not exclusively, because I find our culture is so addictive most people are affected by codependent patterns.

Reading your post reminds me of numerous painful interactions with my ex, where I spent so much time jockeying back and forth between trying to figure out what I could do to make the situation better, or what was intrinsically wrong with me that I could fix. It seemed that whatever I tried was useless until I stopped trying to fix the relationship and focused on taking care of my needs in a healthy way.

I encourage you to continue seeking out live meetings, and get the support you need. You may also find it helpful to read up on the "Gaslighting Effect" in relationships: http://tinyurl.com/3j7ayav

and also, pick up some new tools on Self-Compassion: http://www.self-compassion.org/

Welcome to the journey, and enjoy the process of getting to know yourSelf!

Melusine



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