For the past few days, I have been struggling big time….like, Higher power has been trying to show me some major things...
Last Friday, I was angry about my employer's behavior. On Sunday, I was angry about my family's behavior.On Monday, I was angry about my boyfriend’s behavior.... and that has had me reeling, crazy and off center ever since.Life is, indeed, unmanageable.
So, I worked my inventory and I've phoned my sponsor every day.I kinda, sorta get what she’s telling me… but the stories in my head are so flipping real and convincing - that I have been "wronged" and I need to act accordingly.But she keeps telling me, “STOP IT!!”
So I do. I like to cooperate, of course.
But then, I start thinking again.Even in conversation with her, I simply cannot let go of the surface-y stuff, I keep bringing it up, that I have been wronged.I know inventory is meant to show that the resentment is never what it’s really about, it’s not the TRUTH I need to get to. Having done my work, I was quite shocked and appalled at some of what she concluded.And I told her, "I have great resistance to being called a drama queen." (we laugh a lot)
More importantly,
I had no idea I was looking for things to b*tch about so that I could avoid doing some very important inner work. (Distractions are so handy, aren’t they?) So, I now know some new truths about myself.... this is the part that brings on the tears because this is NOT going to go away overnight.
I can’t believe everything my brain thinks, I know this but... it can be soooo convincing. I have to remember this as I work through some scary stuff.
Well, the good thing is, I have not acted on any of my angry thoughts today, I have not cut anyone out of my life (that’s my punishment, I’ll show em!)No, I am sitting tight, practicing some new behavior... sitting here with some very uncomfortable truths about myself.
(The program suit sure gets itchy sometimes, doesn't it?)
Thanks for reading.
__________________
"See the work. Do the work. Stay out of misery." -Maharishi
Hi Gladlee xx I enjoyed your post & tried to reply via my mobile but it wouldn't have it. I just want to acknowledge your post & let you know I appreciated it. Thank you for sharing. It is hard growing & changing but worth it. We have the right & access to a Power to make a different choice today. Godbless lilmzx
MY partner is sober today my mind can convince me that he is up to no good that he is out for himself and does not care for me, that i am a door mat getting the "P" taken out of me. I have a strategy I use when I remember to check the truth of a situation out. I write out what has happened on a piece of paper. Next I write down everything my mind is telling me. E.g he does not care for me, he is out drinking again, he does not love me. he is late. etc etc. Later I go back and label the statements true, false or do not know. e.g He does love me so that would be a false, he is late so that is the truth, he is out drinking again is I do not know. Then I write down the truths of the situation and it clarifys my mind to make a choice based on the truth. My mind can get confused and negative this formula has helped me so much if I remember to do it. I use this whe it is late and I can not ring my sponor and in times of anxiety and panic
