My boyfriend loves to read.He purchased a book titled Lasting Love, The Five Secrets of Growing a Vital, Conscious Relationship by Hendricks and Hendricks.I am grateful he has five secrets.I have 12.We laugh about that together.
In short, the secrets are commitment, emotional transparency, sharing responsibility, creative individuation, and appreciation.He is very mindful of these secrets and he practices them faithfully. I love that about him.
I guess my problem is secret #2, emotional transparency… to the degree that he wants to know everything that is inside my head. Specifically, this morning, I had a crippling reaction to something he said. Gratefully, I had the presence of mind to tell him it was “not safe” for me to speak until I understood what was bothering me because I really didn’t know.I knew he triggered me, but I didn’t know why. He accepted that but indicated that we can talk about it on the phone tonight.
I did my writing and phoned my sponsor. Now, I just don’t want to tell him I went into a jealous rage over something he said… because of some old crap… that I am still hoping God will remove!! and SOON!!! or else I’m going to hit my head with my shoe!!!!!!!I don’t want him to know everything about me.I don’t want to be a jealous partner…I just don’t know how to stop it.
I don’t have any dark secrets, and I know he doesn't either. I must have honesty in a relationship, but here I am... I do not want to share this. It feels like it’s between me and Higher power. By telling him, he is likely to feel responsible for my personal security..... right? am I thinking sanely here??
Any thoughts?
-- Edited by gladlee on Tuesday 5th of July 2011 04:16:59 PM
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"See the work. Do the work. Stay out of misery." -Maharishi
I'm a newbie here and a 61 year old guy, so consider the source.
As for me, I still have "jealousy" show up and I think it's a little ridiculous most of the time, not to mention embarrassing. But I don't mind owning it, and asking for reassurance if that's what I need, even if I believe my jealousy is baseless. It's my emotion and I need to deal with it the best I can, and while I don't think it "looks good" I still need to get through it and usually admitting it is a start.
I usually tell my partner, and tell her that I feel pretty silly about it, but that I have to work through it and if I need it, I say I need reassurance and can't remember a time that it wasn't provided.
I think there may be other legitimate ways to deal with it too, and maybe dealing with it "head on" is not the best. I'll be interested in seeing what others have to say.
If you can resolve it by talking with your sponsor, higher power, or posting it here then I see no problem with any of those, as long as it works for you. I just think it's part of being human, and it does me good to expose my vulnerability from time to time. It hasn't created problems for me in relationship when I have disclosed it and I find it to be the shortest path to resolution for me.
Let's see what others have to share now. It's a great topic and I'm glad you wrote about it.
It really sounds like you're more embarassed and/or ashamed of what triggered your reaction than anything else. If you don't feel comfortable telling your guy about it, then maybe the best course of action is just to simply tell him so. Maybe you could reassure him that not wanting to talk about it has nothing to do with him, that you highly value the openness and honesty in your relationship, and that you love and appreciate him for how hard he works on this relationship. (Not all guys are like that, trust me on that one!) Once you've worked on this issue between you and your HP and your sponsor, maybe the day will come when you'll finally be able to talk about with him; but even if that day never comes, at least he knows where you're coming from. Being honest respects his right to decide whether or not he's willing to live with minor secrets, while also respecting your right to have some things that are private and only yours. While honesty is always the best policy, openness in a relationship doesn't necessarily mean you have to tell each other absolutely EVERYthing.
Just my thoughts.....
Red Hawk
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My heart is moved by all I cannot save: so much has been destroyed. I have to cast my lot with those who, age after age, perversely, with no extraordinary power, reconstitute the world. A passion to make, and make again, where such un-making reigns.
