I wrote a while back about how I've been changing how I do things. I've been working really hard on my coda programme, working the steps and really wanting to do things differently. I can feel myself changing. I can see how I'm seeing things differently, and for a good few weeks this has felt as if I'm moving in the right direction. I've been taking better care of myself one day at a time, practicing setting clear boundaries for myself and not getting those confused with behaviour modification, and also, trying to be more transparent and honest about how I'm feeling and what's going on for me, and although it's been a huge challenge, I've been enjoying the new way I feel because of the changes I've been making. I've been starting to like myself more and to feel good about the choices I've been making for myself and my well-being. Over the past week or so though, I seem to have hit a wall.
I don't know what's happened but I seem to have taken a massive backwards step. I feel powerless, afraid, overwhelmed, and really alone. I've been trying to understand what's going on for me but I'm pretty confused about it, so I thought I'd write here, and see if that helped.
As I've been working the steps, I have had a growing awareness of my codependent behaviour and the damage it was doing in my relationship with my partner. Than in April, I realised I just wanted to change how I was reacting to him, to stop reacting and instead become someone who chose how they wanted to act, and who took responsibility for my own behaviour. It has been a real struggle for me to understand what was my responsibility and what was his, and I've been doing my best to be able to do that, understand how I feel, communicate lovingly, set clear boundaries, not go into behaviour modification/judgement/criticism, and apologize and make amends if and when needed. It's been a steep learning curve.
I've been wroking hard to put down all of the stuff that wasn't my business, that was actually my partner's business, and I've found it really confusing to know what was mine and what's his. A couple of times I've "shoulded" him without realising it and have met with a pretty strong response, but in the main, I'm staying out of his business. I don't know what i thought was going to happen when I did this, but I think somewhere in my head I had visions of him just picking up his stuff, saying a huge big thank you to me for putting it down, and him then grabbing my hand and somehow we would skip off merrily into the sunset.
Surprisingly enough, that hasn't happened. That's where I'm at a bit of a loss. I'm not giving advice, telling him what I think he should do in glorious detail, sending him emails with links to different sites I think might "help" him. I'm just chatting with him and listening, and trying to be authentically me without going into his business. I'm finding it really hard to put my finger on what's going on, other than that my partner has become really distant and sad. A couple of weeks ago he told me he didn't want to be in the relationship and then the next morning told me that wasn't the case, he just didn't know what to do. It's like he's just retreated from me emotionally. Me of a few weeks ago would have gone to his home, or phoned him, or emailed him, basically pestered him to tell me what was going on, and I'm not doing that. Now there's this big space where the judgement, criticism and arguing used to be (coming from me). It's like neither of us actually knows what to say to the other if we're not doing the unhealthy stuff we were doing in the past. To be honest, I have a lot less to say now I'm not being critical of him and I find myself stumbling around not knowing what to actually say or just being quiet. Awkward doesn't even begin to cover it. Last weekend I found myself saying something about the weather and knew I needed to just hush my mouth... It's a feeling of , he's over there, I'm over here, we're looking at each other, but we just can't seem to bridge the gap.
When I talked to my partner about this he said he didn't trust that I wasn't going to be critical, judgemental and controlling again, and he doesn't really know what to do.
My partner is working on his own recovery and is in a different fellowship than me.
My partner and I have talked about what to do for the best. He has told me he loves me, and I know I love him. We've talked about ending things because we just don't really know what else to do. He's finding working his programme and making changes hard, alongside trying to do things differently within our relationship, and deal with work responsibilities, and I'm finding it really hard too. We have reached this weird place of just being really disconnected from each other, and feeling frustrated that we're both making changes and yet we aren't able to bridge this growing gap. It feels so sad.
-- Edited by Freya on Wednesday 6th of July 2011 01:09:07 PM
Kudos, Freya, for all the changes you've made and are continuing to make! You're doing a great job! Don't give up just because it gets hard. The best things in life are always worth fighting for, and our recovery should always be at the top of our list.
I can't tell you whether you and your partner are meant for each other or not, or whether it'll work out or not. What I can tell you is that sometimes, things get worse before they get better. You've made a lot of changes in a short time, and they're all good, positive changes that are taking you in the direction you want to go. If that direction is taking you away from each other......well, as hard as it may be to hear, maybe that's what best for BOTH of you. Maybe, once you've both worked your programs more and healed more, your paths may cross again and it'll be the right thing at the right time. Or maybe you'll find someone someday who's more perfectly suited for you than he could ever be. Or maybe you'll even find a way to work through this together without breaking up. No one can tell you what to do or what's best - only you can decide what's right for you.
It's not surprising that he's concerned you might fall back into your old behavioral patterns. You probably have those same concerns about him (I know I would if I were in that kind of situation). Old habits die hard and are so incredibly easy to fall back into, especially when we're tired, stressed out and frustrated. Just because we slip and fall sometimes doesn't mean those habits are back to stay - it just means we have more work to do. It's a learning opportunity, not a dead end. No matter how many times we fall, we don't fail until we quit getting back up.
Keep coming back! We're here for you.
Red Hawk
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My heart is moved by all I cannot save: so much has been destroyed. I have to cast my lot with those who, age after age, perversely, with no extraordinary power, reconstitute the world. A passion to make, and make again, where such un-making reigns.
Hello Freya, I'm sorry to learn that you're feeling sad. I can only say that I understand the disconnected feeling and the «this relationship is going nowhere» thing. I am not currently in a relationship, however during this short time in recovery I have learned that I really don't know what love feels like. I'm usually obsessed, not loving. In my family of origin, I'm beginning to establish healthy boundaries. I also feel that there's nothing to fill in where the unhealthy behaviour used to be. They have not chosen to recover, so that's not something I can talk about with them. Blessings to you.
(((Hugs))) to you while you are going through these intense transformations in your life. It seems that your communications with your partner may getting more honest -which is not necessarily comfortable. I think of this process as emotional compost - often the times when I feel like I am slipping backwards is just when my denial is breaking down, to later become rich new soil for my recovery.
Kudos to you for staying with your strength in staying with your feelings, and learning new options. Be gentle with yourself - and remember, recovery is a process of baby steps. You're exercising whole new 'muscles' now, and it's normal to go through the two-steps-forward-one-step-backwards dance.
Melusine
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"Enlightenment is an accident; but [spiritual] practice makes us accident prone (Baker Roshi)."
Thank you for your responses. I am trying to be kind to myself. I am staying with my feelings and communicating them with love, but I guess that could feel challenging. Denial is definitely breaking down for me and I have been finding it a challenge to go with the flow and not panic at what I am seeing as the reality of my life. It is good to know I can share here and receive support and ESH as I work the steps and try to change. Thank you for the hugs and support, they mean a lot. Sending some back ((((hugs))))
Thank you, Freya. You are truly a beautiful example of recovery in all your journey. I know because I see you & I have experienced your love & your experience, strength & hope. I fell apart with you yesterday & you helped me in your hearing & reflection. Falling apart, growing back together & going with the flow. No one said it would be easy, only that it would be worth it. God love you & your faith. It always gets better, even in the pain. Love & grace is yours :) lilmzx
Thank you for putting into words something I have been experiencing but could not articulate. You are inspiring to me. I send blessings your way. I am struggling with how to go forward in my relationship as well. I keep telling myself, it is better to feel self respect and goodness towards myself and others than to carry on in the old way as I used to with my spouse. I keep giving it over to God in my prayers. I believe that He always has my best interest at heart and always wants me to ultimately feel love and joy.
Thank you lilmz, sending love and hugs. I feel glad that you would feel you could share with me and grateful to have the opportunity to be there for you when you have been there for me so many times.. xxxxxxx
Hello RuthViolet, welcome to the coda board at MIP. Thank you for the kindness behind your words. I feel much better about myself as a result of the changes I am making and know that i don't want to stop making those changes. I also know that I am powerless over what others choose to do. But it's hard isn't it? To have that empty space and to keep going when you can feel the space getting wider and wider? I am sending love and hugs your way. I hand over my pain too and my HP has never let me down in being there to love and support me. I am glad that my share meant something to you. (((hugs))) Freya
you know, ending a relationship, to work more on yourself is never a bad idea, as long as others (third parties such as children) don't get hurt in the process. One thing that struck me, while reading your original post, was something I learned in a Claudia Black weekend seminar "Relationships in recovery". She spelled out the 5 levels of intimacy" (which I've written out on MIP a couple of times). Acquaintance, Companion, Friend, Lover, and committed lover. Codependents (and other recovering folks) have trouble identifying these situational relationships and moving through them, down or up. they tend to skip the four middle steps and move straight from Acquaintance to Committed love, which denies us the ability to evaluated the other person (read learn who they are) in the companionship, friendship, and dating levels. Back to what I was thinking. Sometimes, because of something we've learned about the other person or ourselves, it's necessary to move a particular relationship from one category to another. That said, we don't always have to end a relationship, we can simply take it a step backwards. This can be with or without notice. I'm more of a communicator than most. In similar situations, I've said "Let's go back to being friends, and work through some of this stuff from that position, where it's not such a big deal (like Forever and all lol). Done carefully, the other party doesn't feel "dumped". If there is any value to the relationship, both parties would be in favor of working for this. If one person is ready to give up totally then the answer is clear, and no sense chasing parked cars.
Thanks Dean, your post here makes alot of sense to me. I actually had a conversation with my partner about this, moving the relationship to a different place by taking the pressure off, so seeing the five levels of relationship is really helpful. We talked about loving each other very much and wanting to take the pressure off ourselves and each other. Somewhere along the way we lost the friendship part of our relationship and got caught up in our respective "isms". My partner has taken himself off for a few days to camp in a field and I'm enjoying having quiet time to myself. We're both trying to work on ourselves as well as do all the other stuff of life. It feels good this week for me to take a break and focus on me. I don't know yet what the longterm answer is other than keeping the focus on one day at a time and my own recovery. Thank you for your ESH, Dean, it makes a difference. :)
