I am new here and want to thank you for all the great info and posts. It is very helpful to read. As I have been reading over the Coda book and reading some AlAnon literature I have been working to step away from taking others inventory -- a very consistent and bad habit I have acquired over the years.
As I have stepped away from doing this, I have noticed when others do it with me and the great discomfort I feel from it. In this way, it is very helpful to me to develop empathy about how awful it feels.
The other side of the coin is I feel frozen about what to do about it when my spouse "takes my inventory". He has his own issues with codependency and I do not know how much he is dealing with it, but regardless, my own response to his behavior is uncertain. At this point, I am not sure if I should disengage and be silent so as not to further my own propensity to react angrily. On the other hand, I know how important it is to express my feelings about his behavior but am trying to come up with a healthy verbal response that is not going into my old patterns of behavior.
Any suggestions about a healthy verbal response to this type of behavior from others? I do not know what words to use when addressing this with him. I do not want to tell him what to do, and do not want to tell him what NOT to do anymore. UGGHH! Any feedback is much appreciated!
Hi RuthViolet, welcome to the coda board here at MIP, and thank you for your share. I know that setting healthy boundaries has been a big issue for me as I've been working my programme. I have experienced what you have shared about here, in that I have spent time taking other people's inventories and I have experienced people taking my inventory. My partner is in a 12 step programme and is familiar with the terminology around it, so when he starts taking my inventory, I simply tell him "I feel like you're taking my inventory. When you take my inventory I feel uncomfortable and judged." One of the great things I learned here on this board is that it's really important when communicating something that feels uncomfortable, to keep the focus on me. When someone takes my inventory, it's really easy for me to start doing the same thing and to feel justified in doing it because "they started it" (!) My response to situations that I find difficult and confusing is to freeze, and i find myself standing in situations and inadvertantly accepting unacceptable behaviour simply because I have no idea how to set a boundary around myself. I then feel the urge to go into taking their inventory because I feel hurt and angry by them taking my inventory, a circular cycle that perpetuates more hurt and gets me stuck in feeling vicitimised and wanting to persecute the other person. Now I keep it really simple.
I tell myself not to react.
I take a deep breath.
I identify what I'm feeling.
I tell the other person who is taking my inventory something like this, "I feel criticised. When you are critical of me, i feel hurt and uncomfortable. If you are critical of me I will walk away. "
I'm telling them how I feel, and I'm setting a boundary for myself to keep myself safe. I'm not judging them, I am being very clear about how I feel, keeping the focus on me. Setting the boundary by saying, "if you are critical of me I will walk away" is a way of keeping myself safe. I'm not trying to change the other person's behaviour, I'm just telling them what I'm going to do. Then I make sure I do what I've said I'm going to do. My partner had a habit of taking my inventory in public, and I was so clueless as to what to do when it happened I found myself just standing infront fo him taking it because I had no idea how to deal with it. Now I say something like the above and if my partner continues being critical after I have said how i feel, I walk away. I'm not controlling him, judging him, or criticising him, I am just clearly stating my postion on things and acting on it.
I'm new to this type fo behaviour too so am still learning, but this has been what's worked for me. (((hugs))) Freya.
-- Edited by Freya on Saturday 16th of July 2011 03:03:48 AM
So grateful for this post. I am new to this too, and this kind of boundary-setting, saying to a person how I am feeling when they are being critical still seems a huge and daunting thing to me. Again I am reminded I am not alone, and that gives me more strength.
