Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. —Step Nine of Al-Anon
When we make amends we need to be clear about what we're apologizing for and the best way to say we're sorry. What we are really doing with our amends is taking responsibility for our behavior. We need to be sure that the process itself will not be self-defeating or hurtful.
Sometimes, we need to directly apologize for a particular thing we have done or our part in a problem.
Other times, instead of saying "I'm sorry," what we need to do is work on changing our behavior with a person.
There are times when bringing up what we have done and apologizing for it will make matters worse.
We need to trust timing, intuition, and guidance in this process of making amends. Once we become willing, we can let go and tackle our amends in a peaceful, consistent, harmonious way. If nothing feels right or appropriate, if it feels as if what we are about to do will cause a crisis or havoc, we need to trust that feeling.
Attitude, honesty, openness, and willingness count here. In peace and harmony, we can strive to clear up our relationships.
We deserve to be at peace with others and ourselves.
Today, I will be open to making any amends I need to make with people. I will wait for Divine Guidance in the process of making any amends that are not clear to me. I will act, when led. God, help me let go of my fear about facing people and taking responsibility for my behaviors. Help me know I am not diminishing my self-esteem by doing this; I am improving it.
People seem to confuse the two, an acknowledgement of hurts done can be a -part- of an amends, but it's not -the- amends
saying sorry isn't an amends, it's an apology
experience has taught us that we cannot live alone with our pressing problems and the character defects which cause or aggravate them. If we have swept the searchlight of Step Four back and forth over our careers, and it has revealed in stark relief those experiences we'd rather not remember, if we have come to know how wrong thinking and action have hurt us and others, then the need to quit living by ourselves with those tormenting ghosts of yesterday gets more urgent than ever. We have to talk to some body about them.
So intense, though, is our fear and reluctance to do this, that many first try to bypass Step Five. We search for an easier way--which usually consists of the general and fairly painless admission that we were sometimes bad actors. Then for good measure, we add dramatic descriptions of that part of our behavior which our friends probably know about anyhow.
-- Edited by LinBaba on Friday 26th of August 2011 12:54:28 PM
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
Apology ~ a verbal or written expression of regret or contrition for a fault or failing.
I need to add something to your post in regards to apologising, Lin. Of course an apology needs to be accompanied with a change in behaviour for it to hold weight & meaning but I also want to mention that the power of a genuine & forthcoming apology is not to be undersold.
I have had trouble in the past where I felt so inferior about my apologies that I shamed myself into a state of being unable to even offer an apology. This to me is like a state of self-condemnation. A damning if you will so I'm speaking out for this moment in case anyone else may have a complex like this that I may instill some measure of confidence in our apologies.
I remember an occasion once where I was so ashamed in being late for work that I couldn't even say I was sorry. I was deeply embarrassed for the reason I was late in that my ex had had a relapse & was in hospital, I was not long sober myself & I was doing my best to rebuild my life from scratch through this program. When I got into work I was hauled into the office with a reprimand for not even apologising & invited to share. I couldn't & I told my boss that I didn't apologise because I didn't think it would 'cut it'. Her response was 'Well, not apologising definately doesn't cut it either'.
So, I'm sharing this to remind us all that an apology is an amazing gesture that can at least hold healing in its willingness. We can take it further but in the first instance it's enough & it's a beginning. It is valuable. I also want to add that I have received a heartfelt apology from my said ex who expressed regret, empathy & understanding for the situations & feelings he incurred with me. His acknowledgement & insight was enough to fix/repair/replace what was broken & I felt something restored inside me that I didn't know or had forgotten had gone.
It's important for me that I say this in addition to your post, Lin, because before recovery I felt wretched. I felt my apologies were never & could never be good enough. This was a symptom of my codependence. The difference today is that I have integrated my apologies inside of me with this program & when I work Steps 4-9 & give my regret & sorrow for what I've done whether intended or not I know I mean it & that is what I am offering. An unreserved concern & repentence for how I can have harmed another human being.
So I'm saying, Lin, in response to your informative post that there is more to a verbal sorry than may first meet the eye & apologies are deep when given from a genuinely loving & tender place. Not a flippant "Oops, sorry, (& I don't really care)" but a truly heartfelt sorry (even if I'm not entirely willing, am afraid, or don't/can't feel all the caring in that moment) can heal wonders & be a vocal gesture of awareness & understanding for harm done & indicative of a true intention not to do it again. Particularly if one is working the program. Progress counts even if we can't reach a perfect ideal in the first instances.
I guess my issue is I felt for too long that apologies were meaningless & worthless for me. I don't feel like that today. I love my ability to say I'm sorry & mean it; that an apology can come with no further explanation than "I'm sorry" from my softest place like a surrender & a meaning of defencelessness from honest love. Amends can be offered in addition or a request honoured from the offended person for how things can be put right but sometimes it's a small issue or moment to apologise for & I want to affirm the power an apology can have all of itself especially if coupled with integrity & fairplay thereafter.
I wholly agree sometimes an apology, an "owning of one's part", a genuine expression of contrition, DOES "fix what's broken" and I didn't include that, thank you for your share, I think what you had to say was important.
I have never had trouble with apologizing, my difficulty was saying sorry and then repeating the behavior, but I was once in a relationship with someone who had a complete and total inability to apologize, she felt her apologizing would give me power over her, and that behavior was INCREDIBLY destructive to the relationship, when I said "hey I have a resentment, i am afraid, that hurt my feelings etc" and a simple "Oh, I am sorry" would have ended the conversation right there, what I got instead was invariably "you are delusional" justify, attack/argue, defend, explain" it was incredibly corrosive, like "you are imagining this, it never happened (gaslighting), this is why i said that (justifying), these are all the things you have done wrong (sandbagging)(attack the attacker), and this is why you deserved to be treated this way, was incredibly hurtful, when in fact a simple acknowledgement, and validation and expression of sorrow for hurts inflicted whether by accident or intentional and the conversation and relationship would have been able to move forward with healthy communication
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
I hear you here, Lin x So sorry for the pain you felt in those situations with your previous 'friend'. Empathising with the frustration & crazymaking feelings you were put through. I'm glad it hasn't spoiled you & you've recovered. I hope that's all over & you get out of those scenarios unscathed these days. Sounds like you do by your program. Bless you. Love you, brother. lilmzx
