really needed to come on here and share. I went to a meeting last night. People shared about their childhoods. In my share I said my childhood was good (i do have lots of good memeories of childhood my dad had lots of time for me). I said that my co dependency came from my mother and grandmother but I understand why cause my grandfather was a drinker no one is to blame. As other people sgared about their childhood I id with a lot of there sufferings. I think I have been in denial about my childhood I love my mum and i know she loves me and has done her best. I think I have focused outside myself because of the hurt and emotional abuse and neglect as a child it has been as if I have lached on to people worse of so I can live in the fantasy that my childhood was better than a lot of other peoples. There childhoods were bad mine was not as bad as that so I do not have to face the pain. But as others were sharing last night my higher power was slowly pulling of my blanket of denial. this morning I feel sad I still do not blame my mum I know she is just a product of her own childhood, however it is as if the child in side me is saying no tracy you were hurt and all these feelings that I have surpressed our coming up. My alcoholic boyfriend is drinking again after 9 months he is one of the sick people i lacked on to becase his problems were always worse than mine nad my childhood was nothing compared to his. Whe I was in pain last night he rang wanted tpo talk about him his problems sufferings I do not want to focus outside myself anymore. I want to face the truth nad deal with my feelings. I want to focus on me get me better. This journey is scary but although I am having to feel my feelings I know I will feel better for it. Thanks really needed to get this all out of my head .
Revelations. Thank you for sharing, Tracy. I hear you & I trust the program will help you process. Your experience here tied in with yesterday's reading from the Language of Letting Go. I didn't post it but it sounds like you read it in making your reference to that blanket. Good luck in your moving forward with this. It's not a competition about who felt what & how much. Your pain is relevant because it happened to you. There are no comparisons although of course we can & do feel for others. When I hear of what someone else has been through it can 'rightsize' mine but not if I use it to diminish my own experiences. We are all equal & matter. Bless you, Tracy. I look forward to sharing a room with you again, sister. Recovery love & fellowship, lilmzx
I once participated on a thread about what our "normal" was, in childhood, in different relationships, at different times in our lives, and what became apparent was whatever was going on quickly became our "normal", then we would recreate it later, but ....lets see, how to phrase this, comparing my insides to other peoples outsides was a gesture in delusion, like comparing my childhood to my perception of other peoples childhoods, i had to go find a "baseline" a "normal" and it turns out my "normal" was a pretty painful place in my childhood, abandonment, even abuse, so then there I was recreating that in my adult life
for me specifically it was my grandmother, aloof, nasty spiteful and vindictive, she despised me because she despised my father, I was a daily reminder of her daughters "mistake", anyhow no biggy right? like childhood stuff. move on....except for one thing, she turned out to be my model for my relationships, women who hated me because they hated themselves, deeply damaged women who were nasty, passive aggressive and who had an inability to tell the truth about how they felt if their life depended on it, I kept recreating my childhood "normal", an environment a contempt and derision, that quite frankly only became apparent by contrast, ie hanging out with people who were actually nice to me, who had an ability to tell the truth, to communicate made me realize how distorted my normal was
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
