Here's a little background: My mom has schizophrenia. My grandmother has had some sort of mental breakdown in the past because I remember my parents making references to it, but like my mom's illness we "don't talk about it". If you don't talk about it, it doesn't exist, right? My whole family lives in absolute denial. To a outsider, our life growing up was "perfect". We went to church, I was a straight-A student, with a stay at home mom, and dad took care of the finances.
In between the lines it reads like this: I was a straight-A student (because my parents would be "disappointed" if I was anything but), with a stay at home mom (who never played with me or showed me any attention. My main memory of her growing up is of her sitting at the kitchen table all day, chainsmoking and watching Donahue), and dad took care of the finances (because he was a workaholic who was never home).
My parents would lead you believe that we have this fantastic relationship. Here's the reality. I don't call. I don't email. They call me about every 2 weeks. I stopped sending gifts for holidays, now it's just a birthday card. I was hoping they'd get the hint.
Because of the denial, I'm having a very hard time cutting ties. I feel it's like trying to cut the anchor off a ship with a butter knife. I've been trying to cut ties with my parents. I was trying to do it slowly, but the time has time to just get it over with.
I moved 3000 miles away. The physical distance has been a blessing. Once my parents found out I was pregnant, it's become the grandbaby show. Now they have their house on the market and are making preparations to move 1 town over from us. I've been in denial that it was actually going to happen, reasoning it with the fact that they need to sell their house for much more than it's actually worth.
Well, 2 weeks ago they actually got an offer on the house. It fell through, but it got the wheels turning.
Last week I sent them a long letter explaining to them that I don't want them to move out here because our relationship is very unhealthy and I mentally can't take it. I layed out some boundaries about the choices I choose to make and the relationships I will choose to have. I was very nice in my letter to them - I've been the nice girl my whole life, so it's hard to be anything but. I tried to be obvious that "It's not you, it's me". I'm the one who needs space and needs to break away from the family. They can do whatever they want. I've really been trying to work through the steps. I acknowledge that I'm completely powerless over what they decide to do or think.
I thought I drew a good line in the sand. They stepped right over it when they called me to say they got my letter.
Them: We got your Letter Me: Good. I really need you to know how I feel. **insert long awkard pause** Them: So, what's new? **sweep everything under the rug, paint elephant in room bright pink**
Ok. I finally get it. They still don't get it. Also, they think my husband is behind the whole letter. They still think we have this great relationship.
2 days ago, they each wrote me a letter back, in which they rebutted all of the reasons I am trying to break away. For example:
I wrote: Grandma is so mean and biting. I was never allowed to say how I was feeling, and yet she was allowed to walk all over me Their response: We just accept her for the way she is.
However, they also know just the right things to say to keep me coming back for more. It's like a compilation of the Best of the Codependent Hit Songs, including the popular titles, "Your feelings do matter", "We want to be closer to all of you so we can have a loving relationship" (ACK! We didn't have one before we moved, what makes them think relocating to antoher part of the country will fix that?), "Your family is my number one family" and "I love you very much"
I met with a fantastic counselor yesterday. She really helped to shed the light on the fact that my parents wrote exactly what it took so they can't be blamed for any of this. If ties are cut, it's going to come completely from me, it's not "their" fault. As I read and re-read their letter, I can see how controlling they are. The veil is finally being lifted for me. We talked about cutting ties and to think about how far I really want to go with this. Do I cut them off completely?
I hate this tug-of-war with my feelings. When I cut them off, I'm going to be the bad guy, black sheep.
I know I need to do it. I'm ready to cut ties - all of them. I'm just trying to figure out
I read a great older post on here about how codependent relationships are like being in a car with the abuser in the drivers seat. All it takes to start getting better is to just get out of the car.
The point I'm at today is I'm still sitting in that car, but I've got one hell of a grip on the door handle and I'm just about ready to open that door. So many things are running through my mind. Holy **** it's scary. What if the car crashes? This road rash is gonna hurt. OhmyGod the baby is buckled in the backseat!! I need to do this before he gets hurt too. It's going to be painful, so I just need to rip off the bandaid and let it bleed. It will heal. I will heal. I can do this.
I'm doing it.
I'm getting out of the car.
I'm just so glad to have found this message board to know I'm not alone and to have some support.
I came into the 12 step programs and I was completely out of my mind. I had no goals other than to save my life. I did what they told me and looking back accomplished some really interesting things in the process.
I had no idea my relationships skills were so bad and I was suffering so much from it. I went through the steps and first had to give up the illusion of control. Then I had to take a hard look at myself and be honest about how I function in this world. Then I had to look at who I have hurt and go make amends and make serious efforts to change the behaviors that caused that hurt in the first place.
In this process I unknowingly received the gift of empathy. I could all of a sudden, through being honest about the things I had really done, could see how others might make mistakes that hurt me as well. I got to let go of a lot of the resentments I had in my heart towards people I had been carrying them for my entire life.
At that point I didn't need to make any hard decisions in my life about relationships, things just naturally happened. Some of my relationships blossomed and some ended as they should. But I got do this process with a sense of peace and understanding. I was able to clear the decks of the garbage that stood between me and these people and make choices in the relationships based on truth and a somewhat clearer understanding of what I needed and why. Relationships ended that needed to with much less guilt, shame, confusion, and resentment. Instead of pushing them away with resentments ... hurting themselves and me ... I got to let them go with love.
I have by no means got it mastered and lead with fear, anger, and resentments ... but the improvement has been wonderful.
__________________
Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
