I want to know what everyone does when they're feeling alone. I had made plans for this week which were cancelled, and so I had some time off without much to do. My friends are busy, and I understand that.
I caught up on a few things and used the time in a reasonably productive way, but now I am feeling so lonely that it takes 100% of my focus to avoid calling or emailing my ex boyfriend, "just to say hi". I know this would be foolish because I ran into him last week, and he's just as unhappy without me as he was with me.
I am just taking some quiet time right now and praying, and don't really know what else to do.
When I am feeling lonely I put aside that "I don't want to be a problem" thinking and reach out. Today was a HALT (hungry angry lonely tired...except mine was hormonal not hungry) day for me. I woke up REALLY cranky and it just got worse from there. I struggled throughout the day, on the verge of tears, and finally picked up the phone. I talked to my brother, my cousin, my best friend, recovery friends, asked someone to make me dinner, snuggled on the couch and watched a great movie ... and I was all better.
Before when I felt bad I would isolate, stew in it, the stories in my head got worse and the entire day was miserable. I was usually better the next day. I didn't want to be a problem. Even today I was thinking "Tomorrow will be better." Why waste the whole day???? You can turn anything around if you really want to. Now I open my arms and let the people who love me take the reigns for a bit. Funny how people who love you do that ... and you can feel safe and loved and it isn't all about them. Ends up I had a wonderful day and I sure would not have guessed it was going to turn out that way.
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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
I'm so new to this process that I haven't reached the reaching out point yet. But if I can keep myself from obsessing about being lonely and not call one of my dysfunctional friends or ex's then I find that I get great stress relief from crocheting. I learned it years and years ago as a little girl but never put it to use until my mom died. To keep from crying all the time over her, I immersed myself in this craft and have found not only a new side to myself but something that gives me some peace. Perhaps if you dig a little then you too might have a crafty side that can help when you are lonely...just a suggestion.
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"Life doesn't come with a remote, you have to get up and change it yourself!"~~Tyler Perry
I like this idea very much! I find if something engages my mind, I'm less likely to concern myself with whether I am alone or not. I will look around and see what activities engage my mind. Thank you.
Yes, that has worked for me as well. The first time I went through this I could not reach out - I didn't even have the energy. All I could do was sit - so I watched movies - children's movies because they were full of innocent laughter and inspiration. I could get lost, even if for an hour, in something else.
This time my soul is screaming for normal, loving people. I seemed to have lost my faith in humanity and have this urgent need to get it back.
I just keep trying different things. Last time I could not journal, I would start spinning in negative thoughts. This time the pages are FLYING out of me ... it is like I need to get it out because it is poisoning me. As I write I see reality and not the codependent lie that had become my life.
You'll find what fits ... just keep trying. You'll know because it will feel like a soothing salve, you will be able to breath easier.
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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
I keep a notebook and when I do something I love and that makes me happy I make a note of it in the notebook. I know this sounds a bit obvious, but my experience is that I haven't always understood and known what I like, and when I'm feeling lonely, isolated and in the dark, all my good feelings go out the window and my bottom-line really co-dependent behaviours rear up in their power and glory!
Now I have pages of things listed in my notebook which I know feel good and that I love. When I wake up in the morning I get out my notebook, flick through the pages and ask myself what would I like to do today from my lists, and i pick a few things that I know will make me feel great. I make an effort to do something form my notebook each day, that I love, simply becauseIlove it.
If I know days are coming up where I'm not going to be seeing people or I know I'm going to feel lonely and really down, I take out my notebook and plan ahead what I might fancy doing.
Then I give myself permission to go and do it just because it's fun and I love it. Knitting, crochet, writing, walking barefoot on the beach, and sitting with a hot cup of tea are all on my list and I make sure I pack them into my day or week because it's important to do something i love every day. When I'm feeling really lonely, writing it out helps me the most. For a long time I wasnt sure what I liked to do to take care of myself but my notebook has really helped me work it out.
Freya, I like your ideas. People are always telling me to take care of myself and I, other than the obvious, have no clue what to do . These days I'm not even doing the obvious like eating properly.
If I started a notebook like that, I'd flip through the pages and think, yeah I like to do these things but I don't feel like it today. Then I'd spend the day sleeping. Sleep is a wonderful escape but you don't get much done. In addition, I have a lot of physical pain and I know I will hurt worse if I do too much in one day. So I lose my motivation to go pull weeds or do something else outside. There are so many things I'd like to do but my agoraphobia keeps me trapped inside and I don't know how to overcome that disorder. If I could figure out what I gain from it or the root of it then I might be able to make headway but nothing so far & I've had it for years. I'm so used to doing things for someone else or something they liked to do that I dont' know "me" at all.
After many reschedulings, I finally dragged myself out for my mammo which was about 4 yrs. late. I've had one every year since I was 20 and I'm really tired of all this medical stuff. On the way home I made myself go to the grocery store which I hadn't done in a month so I was living on PButter & jelly. By the time I got home I could hardly move from the pain throughout my body and today is even worse. Maybe Fibromyalgia...maybe a lot of arthritis...certainly spinal stenosis w/hip-spine syndrome but still pain is not a great motivator to go out. I'm not even 60 yet...still 10 days or so but I walk like a 90 yo woman with my cane! It is so embarrassing that even that keeps me inside.
But, in spite of everything, I think I will try your notebook idea. I have discovered thread crochet for doilies and such so right now I'm all caught up in that. There must be something else I enjoy, too!
Thanks for your insights...
hugs,
Leandra
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"Life doesn't come with a remote, you have to get up and change it yourself!"~~Tyler Perry
I like the notebook idea too for remembering what we like to do. But I would need to keep it in a log on my computer as I lose any loose paper that's around. It's funny how when we are so busy, we wish we had free time; then when we actually do have free time, we don't know what to do with ourselves.
For a mind engaging activity, may I suggest word games & puzzles. I always travel with a new crossword puzzle book. They don't need deep concentration. I can start & stop without losing track of where I was.
Great topic! I have a thing with being lonely too. The notebook idea is superb!
Lately I have been realizing just how much I sit and dwell in my lonliness, to the point of making myself extremely exhausted. I haven't done a thing and yet I am exhausted from the worrying and saddness or what ever. Just yesterday I told my self that I am going to get my new awesome camera out and go out and take pictures...I love taking pictures and I am good at it. I guess my idea would be to *remember* what my gifts and talents are (they really are there inside of us) and go out and use them. It can be really fulfilling! I hope I take my own advice though lol :)
Oh Daisy, remembering our inner gifts & talents is great advice. It goes one step beyond just noting what we like to do. We may have some interests that we have not tried to explore yet and this would be the time to do it! I have been wanting to try painting so I'll add that to my notebook as a possible "like".
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"Life doesn't come with a remote, you have to get up and change it yourself!"~~Tyler Perry
