In recovery; we're learning a new behavior. It's called Be Who You Are.
For some of us, this can be frightening. What would happen if we felt what we felt, said what we wanted, became firm about our beliefs, and valued what we needed? What would happen if we let go of our camouflage of adaptation? What would happen if we owned our power to be ourselves?
Would people still like us? Would they go away? Would they become angry?
There comes a time when we become willing and ready to take that risk. To continue growing, and living with ourselves, we realize we must liberate ourselves. It becomes time to stop allowing ourselves to be so controlled by others and their expectations and be true to ourselves - regardless of the reaction of others.
Before long, we begin to understand. Some people may go away, but the relationship would have ended anyway. Some people stay and love and respect us more for taking the risk of being whom we are. We begin to achieve intimacy, and relationships that work.
We discover that who we are has always been good enough. It is who we were intended to be.
Sometimes I feel that if I let go and just be myself then I'll cease to exist. I have lived with chaos and people pleasing for so long that I'm not sure there is a "me" in there somewhere. Every time I open my mouth to be independent, someone jumps me about it, tells me I'm too big for my britches or selfish and then abandons me. I've never been good enough so I really don't know who that person is. I have noticed, though, that since my mom died in Jan. I have felt "free" if that makes sense. She was my greatest nemesis and suddenly I find myself doing things without guilt that I couldn't do before. I have also found a creative side and have been able to finish projects. I crochet and had no idea I could do such a good job and make so many pretty things before because she always made me feel like I really couldn't do that. My grandmother taught me. When I think about it, my mother didn't teach me to do anything but basic care taking of myself like tying my shoes and to be afraid. Mom could cook and do lovely sewing crafts but never involved herself in passing on her talent to me...only to my sister. I never felt I belonged in that family so I don't really know who I am, now. How do you even begin this process if you are clueless about your own likes, dislikes and ambitions?? I could have been involved in so many things but was never allowed to follow my own dreams.
__________________
"Life doesn't come with a remote, you have to get up and change it yourself!"~~Tyler Perry
For me, the process truly has been like peeling the layers of an onion. I came into recovery in crisis and that had to be my focus at that time ... saving my own life. In that process I got to identify the fears, shame, and guilt that had been driving me my whole life and how much of it was not driven by reality, but the stories I had made up about myself and those in my life. The fear, shame, and guilt are not completely gone, but the improvement has been drastic and my relationships have blossomed.
This post is very timely because right now I am not focusing so much on my behaviors, what I do and why, but who I am as a whole. Someone recommended a Myers Briggs test recently and I was blown away at the things it described. It was not 100 percent correct, but I could see myself clearly written in these words and it made it logical for me. I could see traits that would make relationships a little more difficult but could improve with a little bit of work. I could see things about myself that others have said are bad that I actually think are good. The biggest thing that came out of it is I was able to look at myself with love and realize that I am not a bad person and I no longer need to try to be a contortionist to fit into what someone else thinks I should be. Others will not accept me for who I am if I don't accept myself.
I am more than willing to compromise and work to find a solution with others. But I will never hand over the core of who I am and the belief in myself to another person again. I am beautiful just as I am and anyone who tries to convince me otherwise, because they feel bad about themselves, need to take a hasty exit.
-- Edited by willing on Sunday 2nd of October 2011 12:10:56 PM
__________________
Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
- In order to survive the contradictory and explosive world of alcoholism, I learned to ignore my feelings. I lost touch with myself without even knowing it. In fear and confusion I walked away from the little child inside who lived simply, who cried when the cat died, then let go, who could appreciate a sunset and not want to own it, and who lived one day at a time. Recovery does not mean that I have to become a different person, it means I need to start being myself again. - paraphrased from Courage to Change: One Day at a Time in Al-Anon II (pg 82)
When I read the March 22 entry a few months ago the words struck such hope in me that I paraphrased the above words and wrote them on a notecard I have carried around in my purse ever since. (I'm a dog person so I did change the word cat to dog :)) I think this is so important to remember. WE are not toxic. The behaviors we learned to deal with chaos are the problem, not us!
__________________
Recovery does not mean that I have to become a different person. It means I need to start being myself again.
I LOVE THIS TOPIC!!!