hey everyone i am tracey and this is my first post on this site.
i am not a stranger to 12 step groups, i am a memeber of AA for 5 half yrs. i also grew up in alcoholic home and have no problem admitting to co dependancy.
i feel really lost in my recovery and the pattern i am relating to alot lately is when there is noting going on with anyone else when the phone isnt ringing or i dont hear from anyone....i feel lost alone useless and unworthy. i feel i need constant recognition and aproval from others, like a child looking for a pat on the back all the time.
i have a lot of growing up to do i know.
i am also in a relationship 5yrs. we are living together 2 yrs. i am not happy and every so often admit to being that way and really i tell myself if he changes i will be happy........then everything will be ok and i wont have to leave.i am afraid to give up on us............i am afraid to leave i dont think emtionally i am strong enough to do so.
i feel like we are bad for eachother in that we are both looking for the other to look after us and neither are doing that even for ourselves. constantly in battle. i am trying to work a 12 step programme and when you are with someone so afraid of change at all its like hitting a wall. i am slowly changing ive changed so much in 5 yrs but am not happy with the relationship..........but afraid of the pain also.
ive been reading up on step one and thats what i need to concentrate on right now........because i dont know what else to do.
I learned recently that I am an introvert. I get my energy internally and need my downtime. I also learned that my brother is an extrovert, he gets is energy from being around people. Explained a lot. I always used to look at him and wonder why he couldn't just "get over it" and be fine on his own during quiet times. I don't think either way is bad, I think it is just the way we are wired.
I also believe that when we are in a place of peace and acceptance of ourselves, regardless of whether we are an introvert or extrovert, the quiet time will become easier. The 12 step program helps us with that.
Now, since I am an introvert I may be talking out my ear, but I believe if that is how we are wired (extrovert) we need to tend to that. I have softly suggested to my brother going back to school, getting involved in the community to anything that he is interested in. There are groups on the Internet that support people in the community getting together to do things they have in common ... art, hiking, photography etc. Obviously our fellowship in the program is a wonderful resource as well.
Being an introvert I have always needed to be alone to recharge my batteries. Talking for hours, especially about feelings, just drains me dry. My profession requires that I do public speaking and it takes everything I have, so when I get home I am completely depleted and need to take care of myself around that. The wonderful thing is that I am starting to accept that about myself and stop letting other people convince me I am bad for this. When I try to fight it, I get REALLY miserable. When those in my life don't accept it, it rips me apart.
Just my thoughts on that ... no advice intended.
As for the relationship ... I just got out of one I was unhappy and stuck in. God did for me what I could not do for myself and I am still sorting through the ashes. The big piece was there was a huge elephant in the middle of the room, dressed in our unhappiness, and I truly believe that if there was just communication about that the results would have been different. Doesn't mean we would have stayed together, but it wouldn't have been WWIII on the exit either. I have learned a little too late that the bone crushing fear of hurting someone else's feelings usually ends up hurting them and myself MUCH worse later. I suffer through the silence and fear and the gap, anger, and resentments build so much that the explosion is ... well burning a bridge is putting it mildly.
It truly is One Day at a Time and we do the best we can do with what we have. Focusing on step 1 is perfect ... just realizing we are powerless ... For me, it was realizing that I was powerless even over myself at that time and well, it is what it is, and now it is time to learn from that and take back some of my power and be cognizant of my responsibility inside of a relationship around communication.
Thank you so much for being here.
-- Edited by willing on Monday 3rd of October 2011 07:51:51 AM
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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
Welcome to MIP, Tracey. Do you have CoDA in your area? I'm in AA 5 years myself & joined CoDA 2 years into sobriety as I felt I needed to know more about myself & my AA program hadn't scratched it all. I get a wonderful education in CoDA & it complements my AA program beautifully. If you don't have this where you are & don't want to start a meeting yourself I'm sure you'll find lots of lovely literature to help you come to understanding with your difficulties. I'm sure this board will help you a lot too. There is no limit to our recovery. We can keep growing & growing with these principles. Please keep in touch & let us know how you're progressing. Recovery love & fellowship, lilmzx
