Hello all. I am a little embarrassed to write this but I am going to anyway. I have noticed that I really seem to need everyone's approval in my life. The thing I am really noticing is that I use facebook to gain approval for myself. I know it sounds silly to you all. This is what I do. I will write a status update and keep watch to see if someone comments on it. If people do then I feel so good and if they don't then I feel bad about myself. I am not really an extroverted person at all so I really like to be generally private. I just get lonely sometimes and want to connect with others. I realize that FB is not the best place for me to do it. I just have such low self esteem and I am so very co dependant. I have just started Al-anon and I am in the awareness stage of things right now. I am just so embarrassed that I seem to need others approval so bad. I just wish I was healthier. Sometimes I see others FB pages and wish that I had their confidence. I never feel like I fit in in the groups I am in on it either. I probably sound like a mess don't I.
You do not sound like a mess at all. We all like others to like us. This used to be essential in my life and if I was rejected, disagreed with, or someone didn't like me I fell apart. My need for approval was to the point of being unhealthy for me. In working the steps and learning more about my Codependency this issue has been reduced significantly for me. It isn't gone, I still have an ego and it gets bruised, but it isn't the panic attack, dwell on it for days behavior I used to exhibit. I am able to feel the sting, take a look and see if their assessment is valid and I need to make some changes, or realize my own truth and self worth and keep on truckin'.
I try to keep Facebook in my "entertainment" bin. I try only to post fun things and not take it too seriously. But there are times in my life that facebook has been taken too seriously and it can be painful.
We are glad you are here and hope you keep coming back.
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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
I think most FB users do that to a certain extent. I have found FB is getting less and less interesting to me as time goes by, and so I have branched out to "like" or "friend" things outside my immediate social circle. It makes FB more interesting, especially when I get a good recipe or a nice picture on my news feed.
Hi, Does not sound silly at all. I recognize the same very strongly. I need approval very strongly from people in daily life, but it seems to be even worse in internet-places such as Facebook and other online groups. I do not see people's faces and I can't calm myself down that people are ok with me. sometimes it is so strong that I can't even enjoy Facebook anymore. I experience too much stress and too much fear. I tried to be safe on the online boards, cut away comments that I do not like that much or are a little bit treathening. But you know, I would much more like to just leave them there and be so happy with myself that it would not bother me anymore. I would like to be able to write my feelings and opinions and idea's without restraints. I cannot do this yet, but have hope that gradually I will be able to do that more and more in general life. Even the online 12 steps groups are sometimes too difficult for me at this time, because I do not see people's reactions and words can be interpret in many different ways. Also people react with many of their issues on something I might write that triggers some things in them. I believe that this makes it all double difficult in cases with a CoDa related problem, however the 12 step online groups can also be place to learn to deal with that gradually. It can also be seen as opportunities at the right time. It is personal.
MY HOPE: I follow the 12-step programs and some intense therapies to deal with those issues. I am very thankful for those tools. It is not fun for people to be around me that much because I am so scared if they would like me or not. I do have some friends that accept me the way I am and also the 12 step F2F groups give me more healthy contacts. But also for myself I would like to be more relax because I will enjoy life more that way. That's what I want to work in in therapy and 12 steps. It is intense work but I really know why I am doing it.
But another thing that I did realize is that many people who seem very convinced about themselves on the internet boards are not always that much in reality. Really. Some people are I have noticed, but those are usually also the people that have a balanced work. I learned to feel the difference gradually. Many other people are not and it is easy to make a whole image of myself on Facebook that is not really true if I would want that. I see that many people who are quit strong have accepted the week parts of themselves. They are in a good space at some times, and in a bad space at others times, but they accept it more, integrated it more, have found more peace in themselves, worked trough some issues... I believe we can become like them too, gradually.
Seeking approval of others is a defining characteristic of codependents.
I don't plan to join FB, but I sometimes do the same on email or forums; looking constantly to see who replied. Now I set a timer. I only allow myself to use the computer for an hour in the morning, then not again until my chores are done. In the evening, I have to remind myself harshly that I need to go to bed so I can get 8 hours of beauty rest (LOL).
I am very approval seeking. I worry if people like my clothes (even though I just wear basic jeans & T's). I worry about my hair, & all kinds of things. I'm learning that if I'm happy with it, then all is well, because I'm the only one I need to worry about when it comes to feelings. I can't control others; I know I can't please everyone, so I just please myself. Then I can leave the rest to my HP and get on with my day.
Before facebook was here I discovered a site called; Dailyom.com. I "cut my teeth" on etiquette of chatting on internet. I encountered every kind of personality there. From the multi-profiler to the most stubborn negative thinking know-it-alls who still are capable of love and forgiveness. I still feel what the topic is stating, a sense, or need for other's approval. It became so intense for me I did join Alanon for help and it has helped "right" my feelings. Live and let live, Other's opinion of me is't my business, talk about me, leave another alone....slogans! All helpful slogans. I use facebook for a positive place now. If some of the pages I've liked are a hoax, it's going to show. But the majority of pages I have "liked" are all about being positive. I love it! It's nothing like reading a paper or watching the news on tv to wake up; it is so much healthier to read about positive things that I have linked myself with by liking certain type pages. I can choose to comment or just click like. I've met a host of friendly people by being exactly what I would want from another. Kind words, loving words, words of wisdom. If I have comment similiar to being crosstalk or bossy, I apologize for it, say it any way....like, sharing experience, strength and hope. For it's part of my story and that's all I have to be honest with others.
Wow thunder peach, thank you! FB has become a somewhat negative place for me, and now I see why. I need to block or de-friend the things that don't bring me enjoyment & seek out the things that do. I'm sure this is obvious to most people, but it honestly didn't occur to me until someone spelled it out. It doesn't have to be a place I dread and only keep to maintain contact with family far away, it can be a positive place too :)
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Recovery does not mean that I have to become a different person. It means I need to start being myself again.
Hi Adeline, I can relate to your feelings around facebook. It's a very public place in lots of ways and so can tap into a need to be publicly popular, kind of like back at school and wanting to be popular on the playground. I agree with Thunderpeach and find FB a great place to connect with very postive uplifting groups of people who are putting inspiring and loving content out into the internet ether. I don't tend to update my status with anything very personal and instead connect with people who uplift and inspire me. Before I was in recovery a lot of my baseline codependent behaviours played themselves out on facebook and I made myself miserable. Working the steps in coda and al-anon has helped me see how I was hurting myself with how I used FB in the past, and now I'm able to connect with people on FB in a much more gentle and uplifting way for myself. Everyone needs positive feedback and it's normal to want to be loved and liked, but how I was going about it wasn't the best way. Now I realise that just by giving to others what i wanted to receive myself, has opened the way for people to connect and give friendhsip on FB in a very positive way.
