Hey all. I have a little dilemma right now, however maybe I need to reframe it into something positive and think of it as a new learning experience.
Since I am new to learning about codependance and that I am codependant, I have really been much more aware of my friendships. Particularly in one where she admitted to me that she does not want to stop enebeling her husband-- that is why she said she wont go to alanon.
We have had a habit of going to starbucks together and we call it starbucks therapy....i know...I know.....very codependant name huh! So for the last few months I have really grown aware in how much of a victim I have lived and so everytime we would have coffee together she tells me all her problems and I am suppost to listen to hers. If I have an issue she barely listens and always relates it back to her again. I try and bring the positive stuff in and she takes it back to her problems. In the past I have tried to help her fix it. Then lately I have just not tried. I always leave our time together feeling drained anymore and she seems so happy and energized. She also gets texts on her phone and also answers it while we are talking. I just think it is rude that she does that. I tried one time to say "We should just turn our phones off during our time" she just smiled and then kept receiving texts. She totally erased me in that moment and it hurt. I know it is my responsibility to say my needs.
I know I am probably not to focus on her about this but I really feel like it is rude. Her husband is also breaking the law right now because he is a fellon and owns a gun...her husband actually tries to get my husband to go out target practicing with him...I really think this is a red flag don't you think???????This man has always made me feel very uncomfortable and he has no boundaries at all!
My husband said I should just phase out the relationship slowly so it wont be a bunch of hard feelings. I know she is not going to change. I have decided to ask her to coffee tomarrow afternoon so that she won't think I am avoiding her (but I am lol) I am just so confused right now because I don't know what to do. I really hope you can all give me your insight. I am not trying to be codependant on you right now but sometimes things get a bit foggy and I can't see things you know?
I really feel like I am choosing health and she wants to live in the sickness...I don't think it is healthy to stay in a relationship where someone out and out says "I don't go to alanon because I don't want to stop enabeling my husband".
When I want to keep in touch with someone, but not the same way we used to; I just get very busy. One example: I have a friend who I was doing favors for while she was ill. I was helping her with shopping and driving to her appointments. As she felt better, she wanted to bring me out for sit down lunches once a week. I generally eat on the run and have a family to cook dinner for; so the big lunches weren't working for me. My friend seemed offended that I turned down her lunch invites. She explained that it was thanks for all I had done for her (I have not done that much). After a few uncomfortable turn downs, I just started scheduling my appointments on our most common errand day, and tried to have errands planned at all times of the week. She can accept the fact that the dr/ dentist etc could only see me at that time. So I got what I needed (no big lunches), and she is not offended, and we can still be friends.
Sometimes we must get creative and change the unspoken terms of our friendships.
Note: my methods are probably a little CoDA in nature too. I am avoiding the consequences of stating the real truth to my friend; but she didn't seem to want to hear the real truth.
I was in this situation recently with someone who constantly talked about themselves, most of it was complaining, and on the rare occassion that I spoke they glazed over. This was everyday for at least an hour a day for quite some time. It was very draining. We are no longer friends, it did not end well. Looking back I wish I had just been honest instead of letting my resentments build, for myself. I wish I had used the opportunity to practice taking care of myself in a kind way. It would have been good for me to take the time to say "I don't feel heard. I don't feel important to you." I did not out of fear of hurting them and their response of anger.
Hopefully in the future I will take the opportunities as they are presented to me. I might fall on my face, but at least I won't be saying "I wish I would have ..." after the whole thing has gone south and more pain experienced than simple honesty would have brought.
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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
Thank you for the reply's! They were very supportive and I am so thankful to have found such people as you to be in recovery with.
I wanted to update you on what happened with my friend and I. We had planned on going to starbucks tomarrow for coffee but she ended up being online tonight so we started chatting. I really felt it was a good time to speak my truth. I just can't live my life "playing pretend" anymore.
She started off being a little short with me and passive aggressive and so I thought that was the perfect opportunity to share with her about how I was feeling about the relationship. She said she was feeling a little distance too but thought it would just go away when we had more time. She acknowleged that her husband has been very weird lately due to his medication changes ect...
I really tried to focus on what I needed. That was so hard because it is so easy to tell others what they have done yadda yadda yadda. I told her that I had been thinking about all of the really good times we have had together over the years but lately it has not been that way for me. I told her that it seemed like the seasons had changed and it was more of a hybernating season. I told her that I was sorry that this hurts and dissapoints her (I was giving her validation). She wanted to know why I was saying these things and what did she do but I decided not to go into that stuff because it would just put her on the defence and I was just trying to focus on what I needed. I told her that maybe we could re connect down the road again. She handled it well but I am sure she is furious. What do you think guys? I feel like it was good to just clearly state where I am at. I said that too. I said "This is where I am at" Now that is NOT a codependant statement is it?! :)
I know from the past when telling disfunctional people about there disfunction rarely helps. It only gives them ammunition to fight back with. I just don't believe she wants to change. I know it can be scary to confront our own stuff. I just have to choose health in my life now. I can't go back. I hope I didn't hurt her too bad. What do you all thinK? Was this a good way to handle this situation?
I think you did fine. I think in the future you could confess to focusing on your own self improvement program; that it's really all about "me". Because of this program, you are now saying what you feel rather than keeping silent; and maybe apologize for sounding awkward because the skills are so new.
That further takes the focus off your friend, and hopefully avoids any hurt feelings.
I know it's hard with dysfunctional people. I have plenty in my life. Some of them just don't understand that I could be shifting my focus to me (gasp!) We just take one day at a time and do the best we can with it. A little compassion goes a long way too.
nice4ever, Good idea to focus on my own self improvement program. I really believe this is a huge step in the right direction. Thanks for the support.
I have decided that it would be best for me to take some time for myself for the next month or two (or three) to try not to get involved with new friends. I really feel like I need to pinpoint my unhealthy areas of co-dependance. I just cannot keep creating the same kind of relationships with others and having the same kind of "dance" together. I usually go to one alanon meeting a week but I may bump it up to two. I want to stay close to the program and find a sponser asap. I wish there were a codependance meeting here but from what I gather, alanon is pretty similar.
Today was sort of an off day. I recognize that it is a normal part of life. The things with the friend who I ended things with has gotten a little challenging. I just don't know what to do. These people were family friends of ours and their son and our son played together. I guess I could have told you all that at the beginning of this post. My husband told me that he is sad to lose this family friendship. And I am trying to validate his feelings but also stay in my own "Hoola Hoop" you know? I know that this family friendship is not a healthy one and I have known that for quite some time. I just don't see how my husband cannot see that this is not healthy. My husband is a recovering alcoholic going on 7 years and he has come so far....I am just still wondering if he has some co dependance? I am probably rambling here. I am very new to this and am very confused.
So this is what happened after my friend and I chatted. She put a really sweet quote up on facebook about losing friendships. Then her husband called my husband the other day and said that he wanted to know if they did any thing to offend us. My husband said no, it was just something between the ladies --mind you, it really is about this guy and the whole unhealthy lifestyle and illegal lifestyle I don't want to be a part of--but how do you tell someone that? Would it be effective to tell them why the friendship is ending? I just feel like it will open up a whole bunch of resentment and bad feelings. My husband is sad but says he supports me throught this all. I just feel like the bad guy here and yet all I am trying to do is get healthy. I may be going to the extreme but I am just so new. Maybe I should have just tapered off the friendship but I thought I should give her some sort of idea as to where things were with my view of the friendship. I am just confused. This stuff is tough sometimes! Thanks for listening.
