Hi, I am fascinated by the Recovery Patterns of codependence. I am amazed at how many of them describe my own behaviors. John (founder of MIP) has requested more activity on this CoDA board. For my contribution, every few days, I will post a different pattern of codependency. I encourage everyone to share on each topic. Sharing will help us all. Thanks.
Awareness: Recovery Patterns of Codependence (Low Self-esteem)
The CoDA patterns are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. As we recover from codependency, our thoughts and actions may change.
Feel free to share how your awareness of the patterns is helping you as you recover from codependency.
Codependents often...
Value others’ approval of their thinking, feelings, and behavior over their own.
In Recovery…
I value the opinions of those I trust, without needing to gain their approval. I have confidence in myself.
I often look to others for approval. I never considered it a fault. I felt I was being considerate; getting input on issues that might impact them. The funny thing is that I get angry when they seeminly don't care, so don't want to express an opinion. At those times, maybe I really am seeking approval only for me. I never realized that I could be eroding my self confidence by seeking approvals.
I will be more alert to my approval seeking items. Am I looking for approval because I don't trust myself? Am I afraid to take the risk and decide for myself? I wonder if this fear could be holding me back in other areas of my life. I have trouble sometimes on deciding what to throw away and what to keep, especially with paper work. So I keep everything. I have boxes of old papers around that I think someone may ask for someday (bills & receipts) or that I might myself want the information from (old magazines & clippings). Wow, I could never realize how keeping all of this stuff would be eroding my self esteem. I always feel good when I can produce a receipt or recite an obscure fact. On the other hand, I have too many piles, so I can't find what I am looking for when I need it. I find it terribly tedious to decide which papers to toss, so I don't toss much.
From now on, I'll give my self self-esteem points every time I make the tough decisions and clear a box of papers. I will trust myself enough to toss the useless junk.
I have always valued other people opinions over mine. I don't think my opinion is as good as their's. I make excuses for why I believe something, when in fact I don't need to justify. I have always put others on a pedestal for their beliefs and mine has always been less than. I have lived my life feeling "erased" and "invisible" but in recovery I am determined to take the baby steps to where I can honor and value and TRUST my own inner voice of my truth!
I just passed a milestone of having lost 20 lbs. As a co-dependent I really have to be alert to my reasons for doing this and stay focused on keeping it more about health and wellness rather than approval-seeking. Friday night I saw some friends and felt a little miffed that they didn't comment on my weight loss, then I realized that the evening was about spending time together and having fun, not about me getting approval. That was educational!
I have another take on why your friends don't notice/comment. Perhaps they accept you just the way you are (which is a good thing). I know I'm guilty of not noticing my friends apperance updates; because frankly, it's not important to me how people look or dress. I only care how they treat me. I know some people have gotten upset that I've not noticed. But that's me.
Actually, I have trouble understanding why other people spend so much money and time on their appearance. I'm not the one to update my wardrobe every season - retailers don't get my hard earned dollars. Do people really care about appearance. Can my frumpy clothes keep me from gaining friends? (kind of just speaking a thought outlound here -- not really looking for an answer)
I've always needed approval I think because I'm 7th on 9 kids. Everyone older that me knew more and were listened to more. I needed to have their opinion before I did anything.....because they are capeable people and I'm not. I never felt confident enough to cope with life.
This was a thinking re inforced by living with alcoholism and none of my family accepting that the alcoholism even existed. My husband was out of control and my family told me that I nagged and was a kill joy.
It was also re inforced my the fact that my son is dyslexic and my family don't accept dyslexia and told me the problem was my parenting.
And further reinforced by my diagnosis of having CFS and fibromyalgia....which again my family don't accept and say that i've always been lazy and never wanted to work!
So with self esteem getting a battering constantly from very young and all my issues be- littled...... I found it amazing to be asked to do service and to feel valued in Alanon.
I said yes to everything they asked me to do and have not really believed that I could be doing a good job. I've been asked to sponsor people (too many people) and have taken on too many roles.
So now I am beginning to see that I am seeing that approval from others that I am of value....
Its a bit uncomfortable.
I want to be of value, obviously. But need to find a balance here. Alanon has given me so much and i want to give back, but not at the expense of myself.
Does anyone have any tools for finding some real balance with this stuff?
I do try and sort it out but the same problem keeps growing so its something I badly need to get a handle on.
At least I've stopped listening to my siblings. Acceptance of my own issues has shown them (very obviously) to be arrogant and quite ignorant. They don't seem to have any real love for who I am....rather still trying to make me into what they find acceptable.... obviously who I really am isn't acceptable to them.
In Alanon I am accepted. Thats REALLY important to me.... so I need to stop messing this up in my head.
I can tell myself that I am exactly what my higher power intended me to be..... but how do I start to believe it? or that that is enough?
I am now 60 yo & I think I have spent my entire life seeking the approval of others. I don't know how to stop. If you have no self esteem, how do you even begin to trust yourself. My own parents told me I'd never be able to take care of myself. If they didn't have confidence in my decision making then how can I? Right up to the end of their days they never had faith in my abilities and if there was ever a question, I was always the one who was wrong.
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"Life doesn't come with a remote, you have to get up and change it yourself!"~~Tyler Perry
Nice4ever, thank you for posting these. It helps me a lot.
Approval-seeking. This is a big one for me especially we it comes to authority figures AND with those that are close to me.
Sometimes...what am I talking about, most of the time...I see my worth in the approval of others. I wait for others to praise me or say something nice before I can feel that my opinion is worth expressing.
On the other hand the recovery part says that "I trust the opinion of others." But I have a hard time trusting others!
We both have a problem with trust. I trust too much and you say you have problems trusting. Different sides of the same coin. I am having to learn that trust is something to be earned...even when it comes to opinions...and I think you can apply that to yourself also. When I was taking classes in forensic nursing, one had to do with critical thinking. This is a skill that comes in handy with daily issues, too. Besides trusting someone, consider where the opinion originated from, was it a reliable source or yellow journalism, are there any researchable articles about the subject, are the authors reliable, does it make sense. Maybe using some of these thoughts when deciding what to trust and believe will help you along with remembering who you are trusting and what their agenda is behind their advice. Many people, esp. family, offer suggestions/advice with the subconscious hope of dragging you back down into the codependence pit. The people you've hung out with up to now will not necessarily like the changes you are going to be making. I wish you well as you start this journey even with smaller than baby steps!! It's not the destination but the journey that is important.
~~Leandra
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"Life doesn't come with a remote, you have to get up and change it yourself!"~~Tyler Perry
I find this thinking around opinion interesting. I am more than aware that I am not the only one who has damaged thought processes.
It states very clearly though that we shouldn't have opionions on outside issues.
Other people can offer opinion but thats all it is... one persons opinion.
I don't have to trust it or even listen to it.
I can choose who I listen to and form my own opinion around what i find to be relevent to me..... and no one else has to agree with my opinion.
Easy said and thought out in my head....
Practicing it around others..... now thats a different kettle of fish. but practicing it is where I can find growth.
I can take what I like and leave the rest.....AND I can change my mind !!!!!
Other people have always been my beacons to the truth ...but if I allow it Higher Power can be that beacon instead.... leaving me free to let go of other peoples opinion.
I'm not sure for me this is to do with trust.... more for me to do with fear.... Fear of coming to the wrong conclusion and feeling like a fool.
If I accept myself AS a fool anyway... then its no great drop ?
Don't know if I'm making sense...
I suppose what i'm working on is feeling that its ok to be different....? and I can't start that kind of thinking at anytime really. One day at a time x
Oh you have my head spinning!! I haven't read any steps but the 1st one which I haven't broken through yet. I practically live by the opinions of others and it is so that I don't make a choice of my own and look like an idiot. At the same time, I don't have any friends because I don't put my real self out there for people to like (or not). I am devastated when someone has a low opinion of me so I hide inside in the corner, too. I can't bring myself to accept me the way I am because of 60 yrs. of brain battering by my parents for not being something better. I trust too much and listen too much so that I don't have to be alone but I end up alone anyway. I'm all screwed up and when I get beyond step 1 maybe I'll be ready to figure some of this out!
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"Life doesn't come with a remote, you have to get up and change it yourself!"~~Tyler Perry
So yesterday is gone... it contains only lessons I can learn from and worrying about tomorrow is a waste of energy
All I have is today So today is a good place to start.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change Courage to change the things I can And the wisdom to know the difference.
I can't change other people.....their attitudes or their opinions. The only think I can change is me
My attitude and opinion is the very things I need to change
Step one ...I am powerless over people places and things...... my life is unmanageable because I lose focus on my needs and start to focus on the needs of others
So what ARE my needs What ARE my likes What ARE my dislikes
Just because someone elses likes and dislikes are different doesn't make mine wrong.
I like soft toys.....and animals......and craft.....and writing.......and taking walks in the countryside
My siblings call me soft for liking these things......(but my brother likes animals and thats ok....so how does that work ?) I can make myself insane trying to work out why other people like different things to me It doesn't really matter
I am who I am..... I'm not good or bad...... I'm just me..... and I'm perfect just being me because God doesn't make mistakes
BUT I can destroy my own serenity and peace of mind simply by trying to fit into other peoples ways, likes, dislikes and attitudes.
Practicing just being me and finding out what I actually like doing has made my life fun Its very different to other peoples lives but thats ok It gives them and me something to talk about If they critisise me now I've been told by my sponsor to say
'sorry you feel like that'
and just walk away, without any justification. I've found that hard to do.....but it really makes me feel good too. lol
So Leandra 60 or not..... What do YOU like to do just because YOU are YOU?
I took up writing and have met some wonderful people simply by going to a monthy writers meeting.....really scary because I have no confidence in my own ability....but they tell me I'm wonderful.. I'm thinking its time to start believing some positive critisism for a change x
-- Edited by odaat on Monday 14th of November 2011 12:19:33 PM
I know what you mean James. I can get all tied up inside as I am trying to please everyone and trying to avoid any confrontation. My head turns into a washing machine while I try and search for solutions that will be right for all.
Its really hard to step back and to really detach from the needs and opinions of others.
My sponsor says (often) when life becomes unmanageable its because I've lost my focus on me.....
For me though I think its myself I don't trust. I've been used to being manipulated and controlled. I don't know whether i'm working things out for me or being manipulated that way by others.
Thats my issue.
I suppose that does at times feel like a mistrust of others..... I hadn't thought of it like that before.
I suppose I'm learning not to care if my decisions don't fit in with others......but the guilt is enormous.
I have a chronic illness myself and recently had my 90 year old mum telling me that I should drive her to London so that she could see friends..... I had taken her to Birmingham two weeks before and had to drive her to London for a Christening two weeks after..... so I said no!!!!!
Wow I stood back and watched the manipulation. Very interesting.
If I had been well enough I would have given in but I just couldn't physically do it....
I had to care for me........ Guilt is massive I think.
I seek approval I think to feel liked and accepted.... My needs dont come into it. I think for me thats where the imbalance is. IT FEELS SO SELFISH But in fact its what normal feels like? I don't think co dependants are capeable of really being selfish because others needs ALWAYS come first. Finding a balance for me means allowing myself to feel selfish for at least some of the time LOL and knowing thats OK?
