Sometimes people we love do things we don't like or approve of. We react. They react. Before long, we're all reacting to each other, and the problem escalates.
When do we detach? When we're hooked into a reaction of anger, fear, guilt, or shame. When we get hooked into a power play - an attempt to control or force others to do something they don't want to do. When the way we're reacting isn't helping the other person or solving the problem. When the way we're reacting is hurting us.
Often, it's time to detach when detachment appears to be the least likely, or possible, thing to do.
The first step toward detachment is understanding that reacting and controlling don't help. The next step is getting peaceful - getting centered and restoring our balance.
Take a walk. Leave the room. Go to a meeting. Take a long, hot bath. Call a friend. Call on God. Breathe deeply. Find peace. From that place of peace and centering will emerge an answer, a solution.
Today, I will surrender and trust that the answer is near.
Geez, I can't even get past the 1st step never mind detaching. My mom died in Jan. and my sister & I have been going at it...or should I say that I have been going at it because mostly she ignores me...all year. It is a very long story of a totally dysfunctional family but I haven't been able to understand why my sister has kept ignoring my pleas for emotional support and my offers to help her. Well now I know...she's had a boyfriend for over a year. He was there when my mom died instead of me and he has been with her all this time and taking part in things that I should have been in on as the other daughter. Right now I'm a bundle of hurt & anger so this seemed to be the right place to post. The pain just keeps on coming. I'm busy trying to reach out to her and get her to do things while she keeps blowing me off or telling me lies. I try to invoke Step #1 but I just can't seem to stop. I've also tried to detach so many times but I keep comin' back for another slap in the face. I do this with everyone and I can't stand it anymore. You'd think being seriously hurt just once would be enough but noooooo, I need to keep getting my head bashed into a wall. Why do families treat each other this way?? I just don't understand and I can't seem to break free. I don't want to be all alone in the world but I am anyway. Can you feel me screaming inside? Where is God in all this mess?? I don't understand that either.
I need help and lots of it. Seems like no matter how many times I repeat step 1 to myself it is not sinking in. My life is getting more unmanageable by the minute. I've been obsessing over this situation since my mom died 1/22/11. I've even made myself physically sick from obsessing. I want to go to GA & just slap my sister silly for not behaving the way I think a person in mourning should be and for intentionally keeping me away from my mom's bedside by not telling me anything until it was too late. So she has a boyfriend, my mom's money & possessions and they will ride off into the sunset like a fairy-tale. What do I do now?
Leandra
__________________
"Life doesn't come with a remote, you have to get up and change it yourself!"~~Tyler Perry
I have heard that co dependancy is an addiction. What IS obsession anyway. Its a habit, but habits can be broken (she says biting another nail!)
We can't control other people. My brothers want me NOT to have CFS but I can't change that. I would like the father of my daughters baby to love her.....but I can't change that either. I would like several people to be who I am comfortable with but its just not going to happen.
So where is God in all that?
I have learned that my alcoholic husband is someone I love.....but i hate his alcoholism. God is with my husband but not with his disease. If I love that bit of my husband where God is..... then I can detach from his disease and just love that bit I know is lovable.
My brothers don't feel to me like they love me.... but they do.....they just don't like the CFS. God is their love and because of that I can love them back....even if I find them really judgemental. Its not something I can do for long.... but I can detach from their judgement for long enough to have a nice happy cup of coffee with them... and during that time I can love them for who they are.
I would love to take a knife to the wedding tackle of the father of my daughters baby.... honestly. I am really angry at how he's treated her.... but I know God is in there somewhere and I can love that bit. So, because my daughter wants me to.... I can be nice
It means I don't have to react. Its not being dishonest or two faced because I am loving God honestly.
If God is IN others, who am I Not to love that bit..... ! But if someone makes me angry or uncomfortable then why would I stay around them? I really don't have to subject myself to it. I can turn round, walk away and go see or do something that will maintain my serenity.
I have had to learn that other people have their own inventory and its not my job to take it. (That took lots of years to work out) So when I am with people I want to be different I make the choice to think about my own inventory.
I can SEE how other people are behaving but I'm not good at seeing how I'M behaving. So I have to change my obsession to trying to change that.
I think this program is about finding serenity and hanging onto it. When I react to other peoples behaviour I am handing them my serenity and telling them to run off with it....
When I first heard about detachment with love I found an over sized pair of headphones and when my husband ranted I deliberately put them over my ears, telling him that I don't have to listen.., It was detachment .... but I didn't love. I don't think I knew how. I was so hurt by him I felt abandoned by God....
But God didn't abandoned me. I abandoned Him by blocking Him out with big walls made of anger, hurt and resentment.
My sister told me to just remember to say Hi to God ever day whether I felt Him there or not.
Gradually I found the more I said Hi and allowed HP into my conscious thinking, the less angry I began to feel.
step 2 says that HP restores us to sanity.... and I have experienced that. When I found myself accepting my own lack of control and started focusing on MY needs and not on others..... and I slowly started to recognise that God is still there for me.... I started to feel better.
but progress not perfection allows me to know that steps 1, 2 and 3 are not meant to be mastered completely. They are steps I come back to time and time again.... because working this program means I keep getting it wrong and thats ok....
I feel I'm rambling but its been a good meditation for me to think about before going to sleep. thanks for being there odaat x
