Hi I've just found you... so i thought I'd explain why I feel I need Coda.
I have been using Alanon properly since around 2003. At first I absorbed it all like a sponge. My husband was still active then and I was a mess. I found it hard to accept help but it also knew it was help that i needed.
So all good so far lol
I was diagnosed with CFS but really couldn't deal with looking after me or my needs... My husband issues lead me to accept that i couldn't be with him though and I started to divorce him. I swore I wouldn't have him back unless he had a brain transplant....and then in 2006 he did....he started using the program of AA.
We started slowly rebuilding our married lives (but have lost our house and I am still resentful for the damage done) I took a sponsor and began working hard at my program. I took service... secretary (and was accused of trying to control the group). I enjoyed the service, especially as I haven't been able to work. I found it frustrating though that others didn't do what they were supposed to.
But i don't see myself as a controlling person. I'm quite layed back really. my husband is a controlling manipulator.
I did teas, I chaired, I shared. I shared at other meetings. I REALLY worked my program doing a lot of reading and writing, especially around step 4. I became an alateen sponsor. I was encouraged to go to district meetings.
Still everythings was going ok... we had learned to communicate and our family was healing.
Myself and a friend decided to start a new group in the city. There were a couple of meetings around the city but none in it....
We both really enjoyed setting it all up and seeing it grow. I was encouraged to take the GR role and therefore had to go to Area meetings too. With a new group it was difficult to 'encourage' people into service but we did and all the roles were filled. Then my firend suddenly left after a really difficult conscience meeting where again we were accused of trying to control the meetings. Encouraging our new group meant sponsoring them into their new roles... and these new members suddenly wanted sponsoring for their program too. so I took on 3 (and find it REAALLY hard to say no to others who have asked). I have 'encouraged' others to go round other meetings and to look for other sponsors. The only other long term member of the group went for a coffee with me and started talking about me being like a mother hen and ALL the members of the group were looking to me personally for guidence.
Are you seeing the pattern emerging?
Yes I'm doing loads of things for Alanon.....but I can no longer see how the program is working for me. I DO lots, but don't now how to just BE at a meeting.
I don't know how to be around non alanon people and just find other peoples demands on me completely overwhelming. I'm having CFS crashes and not really getting over them properly any more. Stress is building high!
At this moment I am GR for one group. Secretary for another, Alateen sponsor for another. I have to go to meetings, district meetings, area meetings, sponsor meetings, alateen planning meetings. conventions obviously because I'm still married to an alcoholic (who is playing the dry drunk at the moment). Conventions seem to be our social life and my husband doesn't seem to be able to relate to anyone who isn't an alcoholic now.
My daughter is going to become a single mum in Dec and we've told her to come home for her maternity leave as she has no secure housing....and now she wants the father of the baby (no relationship) to come stay too so he can bond with the baby. i also have 2 other grown up sons who I need to 'fit in', and a rather demanding 89 year old Strong Catholic mother who is laying guilt trips on me and pushing buttons....
Agggghhhhhhhhh
i'm being driven crazy again and my husband is sober now.....so it has to be just me this time.
I need to be able to work an effective program for me and don't know how....even though I know the program inside out and back to front.
Changing the things I can.....and trying to work how how I can use it..... I can't change my illness.....that requres some acceptance I can't change my daughters situation..... again requiring acceptance. I'm wondering if maybe HP has given us all this child to chnage the dynamics of our lives and for all of us to change our focus......
So maybe my choice is to look at how I can change my focus?
Working on steps 10 and 11 are helping a bit ......
I can so relate to your share. I am a member of both fellowships. I love al anon and coda and need both fellowships in my life. I am a single parent, work full time do service. I have sign up to to be the al anon rep at two AA conventions next year.
I know one of my defects is over responsibility. I have decided to back out of one of the onventions. I come from a good place but do take on too much in every area of my life. Ala non and coda are learning me to put first things first my wellbeing, my children. i will always do servcie but at mo I have a lot on so can only do what is managable. I came to recovery to make my life manageable not more crazy. They say keep it simple and take it easy to slogans I find very hard to practice. I have to remember that I do learn from sharing hat I have learnt but my own recovery has to come first.
There is only so much one person can do. I realise that I understand the programme logically and can share it but its about being a good role model and isnt recovery all about learnig to love and care for ourselves. Take what you like. Thanks for the remonder that I have to keep an eye on what I volunteer for its not all up to me.
Thank you Tracy.... Over responsibilty....yes. thats definately my thing too.
I've decided that when my service times are up (around March) i'm going to step back and just do teas more. i've keep Alateen going, so I'll still be in service, but I think stepping back and watching the groups run themselves (without me) will be an interesting exercise.
I will have my new grand child to keep me busy by them anyway....and I have to recognise my worsening CFS/Fibromyalgia symptoms as something in need of self care...
