I have an illness that people don't see......and therefore either people don't accept it or don't remember it's there..... I have CFS and fibromyalgia, and cervical spondylosis. I keep alot of the symptoms at bay through an avoidance diet. If I have dairy among other things I end up in a lot of pain...
It means I can't work and spend far too much time on my own at home, but not doing anything.... (probebly why I take on so much service....to try and compensate for the fact that I can't work.....but then struggle to actually do what I need to)
I know that personal inventory is about balance but I dont seem to have any idea what IS balanced or how to achieve it.
I know my husband has his anxieties and issues because of his alcoholism. I accept it as HIS illness... but he seems to be full of resentments because i struggle to even get a meal on the table....but between his work hours and meetings he's hardly here anyway....
He says I'm being horrible and not being there for him.....I don't know whether to accept that and struggle further or to see his comments as more cirtisism and ignore it in favour of trying to sort out my own needs.
So when do I trust my own head and appear to be selfish and uncaring (because i don't feel well)
and when do I listen to the needs of others and fight to be what is expected.
I know expectations are premeditated resentments
But is it my place to limit my husbands resentments by accepting his expectations
Or do I accept that his expectations are his issues alone....?
Its all doing my head in...... and therefore building some major resentments around my husbands lack of support and lack of just being here.
But when he is here I pick up every huff and look of disapproval.
I'm not sure how to break the negativity....although I also know that can be done with a gratitude list. I can find plenty of gratitude in the basics of living and with his sobriety...and with the health of my kids.
So why do I still feel so down?
Just voicing in a safe place....not expecting any advice x
I am finding taking care of myself hard too. Today in work someone was upset she is not really good at her job and I have rescued in th past. This woman is not my responsibility however my co dependency makes me feel guilty when I do what is right for me. Today she was upset and I do believe aws trying to manipulate me to get what she wanted. i could not chnage this but I did not talke the bait and removed myself. I DID WHAT WAS RIGHT FOR ME (felt guilty though) I was out my comfort zone not fixing everything, plaesing others being good old tracy. Other people kept telling me she was upser as we are partner. I explained it was not my responsibility. I left early and rang some recovery friends just to confirm I was not a monster. when I am confused and see myself as someone else a friends maybe. What would you tell your best friends if she was ill and someone was getting angrey at her for taking care of herself. No advice just starting to realsie how hard we codies find it to love and care for ourselves especially if arounf sick people. Today I am trying to put first things first itshard but that is why I am attending meetings.
Thanks Tracy. It always helps to know I'm not alone in my thoughts and struggles.
I have tried to be more self caring today....and didn't go to my meeting. So now I feel i let them down
BUT it was my husbands birthday and we went to the cinema instead. Which was really nice.
I duuno. If I could keep expectations out of my head i'm sure I'd be a lot better at this....
I did speak to my sponsor who said I feel down and insane because there is a lot of family stress about which I'm not coping so well with....but that just means i should be MORE self caring lol
I think I'm more aware now which kinda helps too....
