The relationship just wasn't working out, and I wanted it to so badly. I kept thinking if I just made myself look prettier, if I just tried to be a more loving, kind person, then he would love me. I turned myself inside out to be something better, when all along, who I was was okay. I just couldn't see what I was doing, though, until I moved forward and accepted reality. —Anonymous
One of the most frustrating stages of acceptance is the bargaining stage. In denial, there is bliss. In anger, there is some sense of power. In barraging, we vacillate between believing there is something we can do to change things and realizing there isn't.
We may get our hopes up again and again, only to have them dashed.
Many of us have turned ourselves inside out to try to negotiate with reality. Some of us have done things that appear absurd, in retrospect, once we've achieved acceptance.
"If I try to be a better person, then this won't happen...If I look prettier, keep a cleaner house, lose weight, smile more, let go, hang on more tightly, close my eyes and count to ten, holler, then I won't have to face this loss, this change."
There are stories from members of Al Anon about attempts to bargain with the alcoholic's drinking: "If I keep the house cleaner, he won't drink.... If I make her happy by buying her a new dress, she won't drink... If I buy my son a new car, he'll stop using drugs."
Adult children have bargained with their losses too: "Maybe if I'm the perfect child, then Mom or Dad will love and approve of me, stop drinking, and be there for me the way I want them to be." We do big, small, and in between things, sometimes-crazy things, to ward off, stop, or stall the pain involved with accepting reality.
There is no substitute for accepting reality. That's our goal. But along the way, we may try to strike a deal. Recognizing our attempts at bargaining for what they are - part of the grief process - helps our lives become manageable.
Today, I will give others and myself the freedom to fully grieve losses. I will hold myself accountable, but I will give myself permission to be human.
"Adult children have bargained with their losses too: "Maybe if I'm the perfect child, then Mom or Dad will love". It is with a deep breath I write this. I had no idea as a child I was constantly trying to stop Mom and Dad from hurting each other. Emotionally and very physically. Like a little referee. One moment saving Mom from Dad. The next moment saving Dad from Mom. Then getting caught in the crossfire. The blows came, unconsciousness was welcomed. Don't cry, it will all be over soon. I understand that my version and patterns are on the extreme end of co-dependency, yet the survival skills of most seem to be the same. Some how this has to be my fault. Through the process of understanding and accepting and grieving the the loss of parents I would never be able to have, I realized and ever so painfully and slowly accepted the fact it was not my fault. It was no ones fault. All were doing the best the knew how at the moment in time. When I heard the concept of " My parents being my biological means of existence, " and I would learn to "Parent Myself" in a more loving and gentle way, I grabbed onto the steps like a life raft. I would learn how to stop blaming. I would learn how to forgive. I would learn about appropriate Love. I would learn of boundaries. I would very slowly and with many mistakes learn of responsible choices based on my well being. I would learn that I I could not fix. I missed the Mom, Dad Love. I am free from my need of that. Through these programs I have received a New kind of Love I never knew existed. I would not trade my life with anyone. I know I am Blessed. Baby Steps, Wayne
I'm not an adult child but I am from a family dominated by a father who lost his father when he was very 11 and had to assume to responsibilities of an adult. He passed on to us that need to take inappropriate responsibility. My mother was a controller and manipulator but did it with a smile and a song. Within a big family we were placed in competition with other siblings which left me feeling completely 'less than'
So when did the bargaining happen?
I think I was in so much denial and confusion I really don't know.... I still don't know......
Since working the program I have been able to recognise the neglect within a seemingly well cared for and loving upbringing. I've been able to accept the disfunction within a supposed well functioning family.
Accepting the reality of what was....... has helped me to move on and to be comfortable within myself around my siblings. I know now that its wasn't just me that suffered from being lost. Its ok just to be me.....because being me isn't wrong I don't have to try and be like others and its ok to be have different likes and dislikes.....
So as sad as it sounds I only began looking at who I am in my late 40's..... That in itself is something worthy of grief...
"One of the most frustrating stages of acceptance is the bargaining stage. In denial, there is bliss. In anger, there is some sense of power. In bargaining, we vacillate between believing there is something we can do to change things and realizing there isn't."
" In denial, there is bliss." Oh so true. How often do I get through the day by pretending all the chaos is not happening all around me. When I am confronted with a conflict; it is so much easier to look the other way; to pretend it isn't happening; than to deal with the matter straight on.
Also, some in my family (obviously in denial) are always so happy; skipping through the day; ignoring their obligations; always blissfully happy while I, the do it all martyr, is burdened under the load of their chores and obligations, and the only one worrying about what is to come from the nonchalant attitude.
(so eye opening)
" In anger, there is some sense of power." Yes. I make my most progress when I am angry. Real anger catapults me into action and I am able to bull-nose people into doing things my way. I get what I want when I am motivated by an angry force. Good, or bad, I don't know but it feels good to wield the power; to be almighty against the world.
"In bargaining, we vacillate between believing there is something we can do to change things and realizing there isn't." That is why I often feel so conflicted in working the program. There is is the old comfortable way that I've always done things. Then there is the new different untried way of doing things. The new way carries hope of a better outcome; but my skills are weak and I'm easily swayed back to the good old ways; it's tried, true, and comfortable, but with some despair, and a sense of defeat that I'll never gain the power (and serenity) I crave and deserve.
If I want things to be different; I must do things differently.
