Why do we struggle so with our feelings? Why do we work so hard to deny our emotions, especially concerning other people? They are only feelings!
In the course of a day, we may deny we feel frustrated in reaction to someone who is selling us a service.
We may deny that we feel frustrated, angry, or hurt in reaction to a friend.
We may deny feelings of fear, or anger, toward our children.
We may deny a whole range of feelings toward our spouse or the person with whom we're in a love relationship.
We may deny feelings provoked by people we work for, or by people who work for us.
Sometimes the feelings are a direct reaction to others. Sometimes people trigger something deeper - an old sadness or frustration.
Regardless of the source of our feelings, they are still our feelings. We own them. And acceptance is often all that is necessary to make them go away.
We don't have to let our feelings control our behavior. We don't have to act on each feeling that passes through us. We do not need to indulge in inappropriate behavior.
It does help to talk about our feelings with someone we trust. Sometimes we need to bring our feelings to the person who is triggering them. That can breed intimacy and closeness. But the most important person we need to tell is ourselves. If we allow our feelings to pass through us, accept them, and release them, we shall know what to do next.
Today, I will remember that feelings are an important part of my life. I will be open to my feelings in family life, in friendships, in love, and at work. I will feel my feelings without judging myself.
"Regardless of the source of our feelings, they are still our feelings. We own them. And acceptance is often all that is necessary to make them go away.
We don't have to let our feelings control our behavior. We don't have to act on each feeling that passes through us. We do not need to indulge in inappropriate behavior."
A very important part of doing this, for me, is to take time to identify what the feelings are and why I am having them. I have recently given up caffeine and nicotine and WOW - the anger and short temper are at the surface over nothing. When it flares up it is important for me to identify what I am feeling and why I am feeling it to walk through to the other side and not suffer there too long or take it out on others.
Sometimes I am hungry, angry, lonely or tired (HALT) and need to take care of myself to resolve those issues and the negative feelings that come with it.
Then there are those times when others upset me and I have to first ask myself, do I have a right to be upset? Is it appropriate? If so, then I look at what they have done and ask myself ... have I exhibited this type of behavior before? (Chances are pretty good the answer is yes) Why did I do it? Then the compassion enters. Then I decide whether it is something I need to set boundaries around or accept as is. These few steps, which become a lot faster with practice, usually help me work through my negative feelings and help me find an appropriate response. I use this now in all my relationships, even with a rude customer service person or something small throughout my day. It helps keep me from a knee jerk reaction that I usually regret. It isn't perfect. I had to call someone back the other day and apologize for my angry outburst and trying to control and fix THEIR problem, but at least I caught it early. "I am sorry I got so angry, I am sure it isn't helping you at all. As you work through this problem I am more than willing to help where you need me. Just let me know." It was a beautiful thing. I went from hijacking the entire thing, telling them what they need to do, to just being supportive and offering what I can based on my experience. I felt much better and I am sure they did too.
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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
