Thank you for posting, Leandra. From what you say & have asked I understand my solution as this.. I practice the steps like this..

Step 1, I admit I can't fix or think way my way out of the pain I feel in the first instance or when I've gotten stuck so I truly have to admit I'm not only powerless over others but over myself as well. This is described in CoDA as our spiritual dilemma. That not only am I not anyone else's HP, they're not mine & I'm not my own.

Step 2, I need a power greater than myself even if I don't know what it is. I just have to have a beginning of a belief & I'm on my way. I make my decision in Step 3 to allow it to help me, like you do, & then the next thing I do is take my inventory (Step 4).

This can be tricky because of fear, denial, a wanting to control & be self-justified so I won't deserve to be abandoned (which is why I have to remember & have faith that mine is a loving God so my dependence truly can go back onto that). I notice & identify where the pain is, what it is.

Usually it's what I'm making a situation mean about me e.g. My sister doesn't need, approve or want to do the things I want her to do so she doesn't need, approve or want me which isn't actually true, she doesn't want my controlling, dependency or expectations which isn't the same as not wanting me but emotionally for me it feels the same.

I have to realise & remember it isn't the same, that when I'm believing that, I'm hurting myself with low self-worth & a need for her to be different so I can feel safe, secure, wanted, needed & loved.

Therein lies the rub, my dilemma & my codependency. I can notice this & realise I've given my power away to someone else & even in that state I'm not actually even really loving them because it's become about my wants & needs.

So, I have to let go absolutely & I do this with the willingness in Step 6. I have to have a loving, sincere or at least honest, hopeful or even despairing chat with my HP. I hope & have faith my hurt may be healed. I have to love & meet my own needs which means being loving towards myself. Not allowing my fear, pain or insecurity to rule my thinking. I use Step 7 & I ask my God to remove what's hurting me & show me how to be.

I'm powerless over my first thought but I can process using Steps 4 to 9. This process helps me ready to change & see things differently looking through eyes with an outgoing love that comes from a renewed sense of self for me. My attitude towards myself & the other person can have changed & I become ready to put it into action with an adjusted attitude toward myself & sister e.g. maybe that my hurt has been helped & I'm willing to be loving & accepting again with her back on my sStep 8 list for amend.

My Step 9 amend may be to drop my expectations or to accept others for who or when they are even if that doesn't include me. I can change & I can grow. As long as I'm loving myself & letting go of others with love too I'm doing ok. It is progress & not perfection even if we're aming for God's perfect ideal. It's always between me & God, not me & anyone else even if how we are with each other causes pain.

I have to keep returning to the truth that I am loved, loving & lovable even if I have a tendency to use other people's actions & reactions as evidence for my worst thoughts about myself. For me, it's usually this that's hurting more than anything else anyone can do. When I'm in a good place & simply loving me I can love them & let go too even if there could be cause for me being upset.

I don't have to hurt myself further by hurting myself & telling myself lies that I'm a loser, I'm wrong, I'm evil, I'm a bad person, etc. I don't know if you identify with that, it took me a while to notice but this is what someone else's behaviour may be touching: my worst thoughts about myself & that is my responsibility to heal, love & change. That's where my power is & what lets me out of the loop.

Does this make sense to you? Love & self-healing, lilmzx