This post is about Courage & Shame. I've had the courage to step away physically from my family and not get caught in their problems or whirlwinds as they felt to me. I've gone past guilt for putting myself first, going against the martyrism I was taught. I still slip back into guilt once in a while but I get back on track.
Only a few days ago, I realised how shame still burdens my soul and rules my life. And how I've kept it my "dirty little secret" for most of my life as I lacked the courage to talk about it. I think it's only fair that the first step in challenging shame is to have the courage to talk about what happened.
Like most of you, there isn't one single event that triggered shame in me, but some have carved deeper scars than others. The word "Alcoholic" usually triggers sympathy in others therefore shame in us. Empathy makes shame fade away, but sympathy digs is deeper in our soul. Since most if not all of us can relate to each others stories, Empathy is the ruling and healing force of this sort of group.
The 1st thing that comes into my mind when I challenge shame and the one period of my life I've never ever talked about was when I was about 15 or so and my dad started drinking worse than ever, he was just spiralling out of control. And with him, our finances spiralled out of control. A while back he'd started his own business and took care to bully my mum into quitting her well paid & respectable job as a bank accountant to "help him out" with the business. And there she was, few weeks later, selling cabbage in the market. Sad, isn't it? Makes my heart weep. And it triggers so much shame. So when he shortly started drinking more and more, within a few months, from owning 2 cars and having some financial stability we ended up on the brink of eviction. Literally, threatened with eviction every month for the next 2-3 years. Those 2-3 years were the most soul wrecking of my life. As it usually happens we turned on him like wolves. Those 2-3 years are so deeply buried in my memory I never spoke about them. I allienated all my friends-now I know it was because of shame, and feeling unworthy of normal human interaction. Every time the phone or doorbell rang I turned into a rabbit hiding from the fox- 90% of the time they were either the bank or even the police looking for my dad. He was supposed to buy a car for some clients, went off with the money and managed to drink them all. And the clients quite rightly went to the police. Even today, 15 years later the phone or the door bell makes me hold my breath and hide.
And somehow that's not the main cause for shame relating to those years. The main cause is turning into wolves towards my father. Never have I thought I could yell so loudly at my dad, strike him or physically throw him out and him sleeping in front of our door. And him being so drunk all the bloody time,,, Similar events happened again and again for 2-3 years,,,
I do want to heal that shame,,,what can I say to myself to do that?,,,
Dear Funnyface, thank you again for sharing. You're absolutely right about empathy melting shame. It says "here by the grace of God I am too, with you." It ends that sense of isolation & abandonment of who or how we are, perfectly imperfect & all. My program, my connection with God, myself & you helps me learn how to love myself no matter what order it comes whether a chat with you, a prayer to my HP or kind thoughts for myself. It all comes & grows. Your honesty, courage, compassion & connection in sharing with fellowship here & in meetings will continue to show you how you can be with yourself. You have an inner teacher who only needs encouragement. Like me, I hope you can feel hope today too :) Never alone again, lilmzx
Shame was a big part of my problem when I came into recovery. I thought I had to be perfect and every mistake I made haunted me like a demon. Working the steps is what alleviated my shame. It was like a heavy weight being lifted from my heart. It has also enabled me to not accept shame where I do not deserve it and apologize for mistakes I make so I can let go of any new shame I have earned.
I am not perfect nor will I ever be. No one else is perfect either. Empathy is a beautiful thing. I am slowly learning to stop the "better than" or "less than" I labeled every relationship with and just "be" in that relationship and accept it for what it is - even if it is one I need to walk away from. Some people inspire me to be better, while others teach me what I don't want to do - but we are all fallible humans. Our clocks tick at the same speed.
Glad you are here, Funny Face. Please keep coming back.
-- Edited by willing on Sunday 8th of January 2012 08:47:55 AM
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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
Thank you for your replies and for your insight, it's much appreciated. I do find myself in everyone of your posts and your empathy lifts me up.
To continue the notes on my journey through courage and shame.
Another big source of shame were my first few years of my life. I'm the second child, my brother is a only few years older than me. My parents had a bit more time and interest for him, taught him to ride a bike etc. Then I came along, my mum was stuck with a naughty toddler, an alcoholic husband, a baby, a job and her own issues from childhood/teenage years. Therefore I was neglected and learned to feel that I'm not worthy of love & affection, I have to earn it, mostly by making them happy.My feelings did not matter. If my attitude made them happy I felt loved, if it didn't I felt a waste of space. I took the carer/rescuer role in the family. I was 4-5-6 years old and I was tidying my mums messy house and I got praises for it-as close to love and acceptance as I could get. When they were cranky or arguing I felt guilty.
As a result I'm a perfectionist. Being human and having flaws is not acceptable, I do not share my soul with people as it has scars and that's not being perfect. I feel guilty if I'm smiling and laughing and some gloomy co-worker gives me ugly looks. On the outside I stand up to them but inside I feel deep guilt that is never spoken of.
I'm a rescuer and a carer, I set no boundaries, I give people all and get nothing in return. I feel used & abused, I step into the victim's role. Then into the persecutor's shoes as I just leave relationships. Then back into guilt and carer for someone else etc. The old triangle as I mentioned it in another post.
Now, my journey takes me to setting boundaries, feeling my feelings and believing that they matter. Being my imperfect self and loving it. Showing my imperfect self more and more to others. And not feeling guilty for it.
