Hello Isi,

Welcome to MIP! 

I am not an expert at relationships and don't have many successful ones under my belt.  But I can tell you what I tell my daughter.  "I can't tell you what to do right, but I can tell you what I have done wrong."

I can tell you from very recent experience that early relationships are a challenge.  For me in the past if there were any things that made me uncomfortable, I would not look at them as red flags that I should pay attention to and wait to play out ... I would instantly change my behavior to make sure my partner "liked me".  If they were a mess they became someone I could save.  I remember one time I had a date and the conversation was FILLED with his family of origin woes and he had me, hook - line - and sinker.  I was not secure enough in myself to sit back and be an observer.  The thing I am learning is the beginning of a relationship is a wondrous time of discovery.  It isn't about judging and trying to fit what someone else thinks we should be or what we WANT them to be.  It is a time to learn about someone.  See who they are.  Are they self sufficient, happy with themselves and who they are, able to be a part of a relationship or need a relationship to cope with life?  Or perhaps run from relationships due to fear. 

These are questions I never asked.  I would dive into a relationship and contort myself to fit whatever this person needed me to be in order to keep them with me and liking me.  What I am learning is that I should take things S L O W.  Take time to learn if this person has the qualities I find interesting and not just show interest in me therefore meet the criteria to be a major part of my life that I cling to like oxygen.  "Oh, this guy likes me!  Time to make myself miserable to keep him around!"

For me, while I am dating now I run into things such as this.  Recently it is "This person seems to get really depressed ... beyond the normal ups and downs."  Is it my task to figure this out?  Why does he do it?  How can I fix it?          NO        It is my job to continue to spend time with this person and learn about them.  I notice this behavior and don't chalk it up as a deal breaker - but a red flag.  Something for me to pay attention to and see if his ACTIONS can answer my question.  If I verbally ask the question I may not get the truth ... but what they want me to believe.  Often times I grab on to the answer like it is a life preserver and believe it is the truth - regardless of the actual truth - their actions.  I can wait around for years for the man who says he is a productive, hardworking, caring man - believe it with all my heart - but until I see it with my own eyes ... it is not true.  I love them for their potential and that has led to nothing but heartbreak on a grand scale.  So now, I pay attention to those things that cause me unease in early relationship and look for the truth in their actions as to whether these issues are a true problem or not.

I try not to spin out too much in the possibilities - but just sit back and watch and enjoy the fun of a new relationship.  Things will be what they are.  It is important for us to see them that way.

I hope that helps.

Please keep coming back.

Willing