I'm in a 15 year relationship that is going backwards. It is causing me a lot of guilt because I entertain ideas of leaving or taking a break. We never lived together for a few reasons and money is a big one. We couldn't afford to live together. We both met having our own apartments and I was not and am not willing to give up my apartment. And now he is moving back into his mother's house because for the past few years he was unemployed and now at a job earning half of what he was earning 4 years ago. That's it for now. There is a prequel to this- will follow later hopefully. I'm not in a full relationship so my question to myself is why do I stay? I have been in CODA for almost 20 years.
Well, you have been in the program much longer than I have so I am sure all the principles as to which I could speak would be repetitive.
All I can give you is my experience.
Two major relationships in my life, both ended. One was my ex-husband. I knew he had my back, he cherished me, he understood me, he knew me better than anyone. Until he didn't. I had something to do with that. After our divorce I ran into a situation I needed feedback on and I called him " You know me better than anyone, do you think I deserve what I have been given?"
This relationship deserved some more time and effort.
The second substantial relationship I kept going back to and never felt he knew me at all. I will leave it at that ... it was toxic beyond belief and led me to recovery.
This relationship needed to be left way before it was.
I guess after a time of working on ourselves we start to learn what works for us and what doesn't ... that is the beauty of the program. Each of us has our own definition and there is no right or wrong. It is time to go when it is time, or we need to stay and build better skills around making the relationship work. We will know when it is time.
For me, this process has revealed what works for me. I recently communicated with someone that was full of "I am an amazing guy, everyone is a jerk. I have suffered so much and here are the sacrifices I made..." and instead of my previous swooping into to save this wonderful person who has suffered so much I saw him for what he was. Someone that didn't fit into my life of gratitude and empathy.
For me it all comes down to what I want my life to be and who I want in it. If I live a life filled with positive thought and humility and desire the same from others ... and don't settle for less ... then that is what I will have.
If I want something different, that is what I will have as well.
It all comes down to choices. Some of them are really hard because we are familiar with these people we have filled our life with and their absence leaves a hole we need to fill.
Please keep coming back.
Willing
-- Edited by willing on Tuesday 14th of February 2012 11:11:19 PM
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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
Where did I learn it was ok to leave a problematic relationship rather than try to work it out? My fear of being alone drove me to hold onto failing relationships just long enough until the next one. Today, I enjoy my current relationship. I'm willing to work through the ugly times that surface in any loving partnership. Today, I see a disagreement as an indication I have some work to do, not as the signal to look for another. CoDA Daily Meditation.
something new to add- today I lent him money for movers- he's moving in with his mother because he can't afford to keep his own apartment anymore-he gets money from his mother once a year as a 'gift' so I know he will have it to pay me back- but no more than 5 minutes of him getting my check did he call and say he lost it/it was stolen! I stopped payment but it doesn't go into affect until 24 hours from the time it is reported! He will pay me back the money- I know that. But it's another example of how I should not be with this person. And I planned on studying for my final today and of course I am distracted with annoyance/frustration/indecision about him! Thanks for listening.
I'm in a 15 year relationship that is going backwards. It is causing me a lot of guilt because I entertain ideas of leaving or taking a break. We never lived together for a few reasons and money is a big one. We couldn't afford to live together. We both met having our own apartments and I was not and am not willing to give up my apartment. And now he is moving back into his mother's house because for the past few years he was unemployed and now at a job earning half of what he was earning 4 years ago. That's it for now. There is a prequel to this- will follow later hopefully. I'm not in a full relationship so my question to myself is why do I stay? I have been in CODA for almost 20 years.