I have spent 7 years trying to support my partner in his recovery and I have waited for the day we will both be o.k and all my hard work will be worth it.
But reality is it is my co dependence. I am staying in a situation I am not happy in longer than I should because I a sick. It is my scness that is causing me a;ll this pain not his.
I do care for him so so much. I have too much understndig and compassion for his problems which feeds my sickness. I like most of my life and I achieve most things I put my mind to I have tried to control both of our lives because I wanted him to come with me but god love him he is not in a place to be abl to meet my needs. This had affected my selfworth I took it personal however I know deep down he loves me but he can not manage his life because of his sickness. I think I am accepying that it has to en.
I am so so sad. I have held on so hard for so long I really wanted it to work. I am so scared of my co dependence. I hate being alone but I know this i exactly what I need to recover. I am so sick My first husband 17 years was a compulsive gambler I can not pick a healthy relationship because I am not healthy. But I am so sick of having to loose people I love because of disease. sorry for the rant just getting it out there.
No problem on the rant, that is what we are here for. I am truly powerless over others. Accepting that ... with a good dose of "I have power over myself, I need to learn to control myself" helped me not feel so lost when I accepted the concept.
Then came the work. Regardless of whether I was in or out of the relationship (we did a lot of on again off again) I continued to work on myself. I stayed on the narrow path and put myself first.
The difference I noticed over time was that I stopped riding the roller coaster. I was more balanced and did what I felt in my heart regarding all things in my life. Not what he or anyone else thought I should do. I had an independent life of my own and took care of my responsibilities first and foremost. He was consumed with me and I was powerless over it. There had been a time when we were both consumed and it was very toxic. All I could continue to do is work on myself, practice my new behaviors, and watch him spin out of control. He finally spun himself right out the door. So for me, I didn't need to stay or leave the relationship to get healthy, I worked on getting healthier and the relationship either did that too or ended.
So in or out of the relationship I just continued to work on myself. I made mistakes, we all do. But I knew if I stayed where I was internally - a year or more down the road I was going to be exactly in the same place dealing with the same turmoil. I had to make a fundamental change on the inside - my outsides were fine. I had to stay to the task regardless of what was going on in my life, who was in it, how much drama or isolating ... all the things that cause me distress ... I needed to keep putting the pieces of me back together with no excuses about what else was going on to prevent me from doing so. And I continue to do so. I will probably be doing this everyday for the rest of my life. I look back and see my progress but know that I still have so much more ahead of me.
We can do this. I promise. I find peace and centeredness everyday now. True, filled with light, being present ... happiness and understanding. It may just be for moments but I get there and I get to carry that with me throughout the day, facing the challenges that come along.
For me, it started with immersing myself in a 12 step program, getting a sponsor, and working the steps. That started the awareness. That started the change. I got to let go of my guilt and shame as I had been honest about it and turned it over. It uncovered a small spark of light inside of me that I now continue to feed and grow. I had uncovered my true self and now I am slowly but surely digging her out of the grave that a life of abuse and exiled her to.
Sounds like a lot of work, doesn't it? The rewards are astounding. For one thing, I started doing for myself first. I had no problem doing for others, I did it endlessly. So what if I start to do for myself without guilt? In the last 4 months I have been to Stowe, VT, the Grand Canyon, a week long trip up the Northwest coasts, Yosemite ... and more. I take friends and share the experience with them. Facials, massages, next week is accupuncture. I balance this with being of service. The local women's shelter and big brothers big sisters. I give to people who NEED it, not just WANT it because they don't want to do the work themselves. Living this life has attracted people who live the same way.
As I look at it in writing is seems incredible and I never would have thought it possible. I am finally free. You can be too.
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Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~St. Francis of Assisi
Oh my can I relate to your issues!! I stayed in a marriage for 18 yrs. hoping for things to work out and I stayed in 3 more until my last husband suicided and I realized I wasn't picking the right kind of man. I am still trying to wrap my head around this disorder. It is SO hard for me to give up on someone so I keep spending hours and money on them trying to fix things and I just get burned out because nothing ever gets fixed.
I have a friend in NC that I could pay all his bills off and by next month he'd be right back in the hole. We talk (he talks) for 3-4 hrs. every night about his problems and I just can't seem to break him off. If we don't talk then he threatens to call & have a welfare check done on me. I have another friend in WV that thinks I'm his local ATM for vet bills, etc. But as much as he "loves" me, he can't seem to leave his wife. But I just keep helping.
My sons abandoned me in 1998 and I don't know why. But the one I have an email address for, I keep groveling to until I have a bloody nose. I have groveled, whined, apologized, sent gifts and I must look like an idiot from his perspective but I can't seem to do without my kids even though I haven't "had" them in my life for 14 yrs. now. At one point I was going to be put out of my mobile home and he wouldn't even help me get enough money together to move my home to a different park. I have 2 grandsons I have yet to see.
I do have a new girlfriend that is trying to learn to set boundaries and so I'm learning along with her but it is hard and tender work.
I wish I could help you, too, but at least know you are not alone in this mess!!
hugs,
Leandra
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"Life doesn't come with a remote, you have to get up and change it yourself!"~~Tyler Perry
Oh Willing, I wish you were here with me because you have so much insight! I never even considered the concept that I have control over myself because I fall into the pit without even realizing I'm headed there. I wish I weren't 60 so that I'd have much more time to work on this stuff. By the time I get straight, I'll be over 120!! I may have to put on my headstone "One more codependant bites the dust."
I think I need to find a group and get a sponsor at this point. Someone who can point out what new behaviors I need to attain so I have goals to work on.
Your input is very valuable!!
hugs,
Leandra
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"Life doesn't come with a remote, you have to get up and change it yourself!"~~Tyler Perry
thankyou for sharing youe experience strength and especially your hope. I have done so much work already and have better relationships today my partner seems to be the main one I have been developing my strength to end. He is such a great man deep down. However I truley want to have a good relationship with myself and I know in my heart he is bad for me, it can not work.
I am going to through myself into my programme and get focused, thanks again.
At the moment I am struggling with taking a course of action. That's why I'm up in the middle of the night. I know what I want to do myself. It's just there have been pressures on me to do something else. My body always tells me when something is not right for me. I know I will follow myself, I just need to let go and see what the repercussions will be.
I thought I'ld give you an update. Early this morning I made the decision to follow what I needed to do. It looks like things will work in our favour after all. Again it proves to follow my own guidance.
